I've been struggling with since I can remember with pain that was originally told to be growing pains, then bursitis, then weight issues, so I lost loads of weight and it didn't get any better, then I fell into depression and food was my comfort and my punishment. I ate to comfort myself then I'd starve myself because I ate so much and was, in my mind, disgusting. I was in pain and it must be something I was doing wrong, right? No. years later finally I've been diagnosed with chronic pain and I just feel so shitty. I feel like I'm fighting a battle against myself every day because I want to do so many things but my body only let's me do the simplest things and even then it's in pain.
I've been trying a prescribed painkiller since just before Christmas. I started on the smallest dose and now I'm on the highest dose and I'm still in pain. I wake up stiff, sore, achey, in pain, dizzy, disorientated, often nauseous and depressed. My painkiller is also an anti-depressant, although I don't feel like it's done anything for my depression or anxiety. I take a 50mg painkiller every night before I go to sleep and as I doze off, I feel my body become number and number and if my sleep is disturbed, it can be terrifying. Like being in a nightmare, not being able to move like you want to but being scared of shapes moving around your room (that are really just shadows or objects but you're dazed the fuck out and can't see shit). It's like a night terror except you know you put yourself in this position every night for the sake of being able to walk without collapsing the following day. It's scary, but I'll take it, if it means I'm in less pain than I would be without them. The other downside (being a student in a student house in my third year) is that I can't drink alcohol on them.
People who drink alcohol and can do so any time have this habit of saying 'oh I don't need alcohol to have a good time, I could go out any night and be sober and still have a good time' yet I have never seen any of those people go a night out without drink or drugs to fuel them. So this is my reality now: drinking juice or energy drinks so I don't feel 'left out' in pre-drinks, looking after my drunk friends, having my drunk friends stumble onto me, spilling their drink and telling me how much they love me, or how glad they are that I'm there, then proceeding to not see me again for the rest of the night because obviously, they would rather be with people on their level and not the sober bored person.
I definitely don't need alcohol to have a good time. I've had a few really good nights out since being sober. But to be told by drunk people that they don't need to be drunk to have a good time when they're clearly loving life right in that drunken moment, yeah it irks a bit.
I have this habit of distancing myself from people and I try to explain to them that I don't mean to and it's nothing to do with something they have done and to not take it personally, but I'm just trying to deal with my inner demons and don't want to project any of that on others. People tend to turn against me and become angry at me when I don't contact them for a while because they feel hurt that I'm not giving them enough attention or putting in as much effort as they feel they are. It's not personal.
It's not you, it's me. That classic line. But my god is it true.
I don't want to sound like a victim, or be excused for not being a better friend, I just want people to understand. I want my friends to understand that when I don't talk to them about my issues is because I don't want to talk about it because talking about it makes it worse. It doesn't 'get it off my chest' or make me feel lighter because I've gotten a 'weight off my shoulders' because it's not something that I can just take off and put out into the world, it's a part of me and it's attached and to say that you only want to help and you're angry because I won't let you, is so damaging. It's not letting me deal with MY ISSUES IN my WAY, IT'S DISREGARDING ME AND MY COPING MECHANISMS BY MAKING IT ABOUT YOU AND MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY THAT I DON'T TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
It hurts. I hurt. Always.
Having a parent that suffers with a chronic illness (fibromyalgia) is scary stuff because you see your once quite able Mama turn into your Mama that sometimes can't get out of bed for the pain. I feel selfish whenever I think about my pain because I know how my Mum feels, I know how this pain can make you feel held captive by your own body and when I tell my Mum about my pain I can't help but feel like a petty child because all I can think about is how her pain is so much more than mine. I also feels selfish when I worry about the fact that I may have or may develop fibro because of genetics. If one of your parents has it, then you have a 50/50 chance of having it too. I've seen my Mama in best days and worst days and it's terrifying.
So please forgive me if I'm distant, if I'm angry about my pain, if I'm frustrated with myself and project that onto you after I've said I don't want to talk about it. I'm just so angry at my body. I worry about my future. I worry that I'm going to fail my degree because I'm in so much pain that going to uni, just getting there, is exhausting in itself. If you're reading this and I've taken my frustration out on you I'm so sorry. It's the last thing I want to do and I've probably distanced myself from you anyway so you probably haven't spoken to me in a while.
