We're going through changes.

I was really excited for going home for Christmas this year. To spend the day with my family; my parents, my nan, my sister and my two nephews. I am still really looking forward to going home for Christmas, but this year it'll just be four of us as my Sister is having Christmas at her house with her boys this year, so it's gonna feel so strange to spend Christmas day without them. We'll go around to see them in the morning to give presents and see them and everything as usual, so I'll get to see them but it's going to feel super strange knowing they're not coming around. Sometimes it's really hard being 20 in my house. I can guarantee that my Mum, Dad and Nan are all going to fall asleep after Christmas dinner and I'll be left to watch bad television by myself. It's nice when my nephews are here because I get to be with them when everyone's fallen asleep. Having kids around always makes occasions better, it's just like a hole has been filled and your life is complete. This is why I know I want to be a Mum one day; I hate the thought of a life without children in it. Maybe that's what's behind my desire to be a teacher too. I just love children, they're so innocent and have so much to learn and I admire their bravery and courage. Christmas this year is going to be spent in reflection of all the time I've had with my nephews and how lucky I've been to have such a beautiful family. I hope one day I can give my parents some grandchildren, my nephews some cousins and my sister some nieces or nephews. Feeling especially broody today, do forgive me.

Lauren x

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.

"If you've ever had a broken heart, you're about to remember it right now" - James Corden before Adele's performance of 'Someone Like You' at the 2011 Brit Awards.

Fourteen words have never hit me so hard. But not as hard as eight words. Eight little words.

'I have cancer, and I want to die.'

I want to send my love to anyone who has had to suffer through cancer, who is suffering or will suffer. I hope with all my might that if you haven't, that you never have to. I can't speak from first hand suffering, but I can speak from someone who has watched someone they love become a victim of it. I also got to see them kick cancer's arse. So don't lose hope. Never give up. Keep smiling. Keep strong.

Lauren x

Let's.

Let's go for a walk. Let's have a picnic. Let's people watch on a bench with a coffee. Let's listen to music and pretend the people around us are in a music video and make up a story about the people who walk by. Let's watch films all day and not leave the bed. Let's drink loads of tea and not get drunk. Let's get drunk and do really bad impressions of people. Let's bake. Let's plant something. Let's hold hands. Let's watch Marvel and DC and pretend like we know all there is to know about comic books. Let's make fun of each other then kiss it out. Let's build a leaf pile and jump into it. Let's make rice snowmen. Let's paint something. Let's read a book aloud to each other. Let's fall asleep top and tail. Let's fall asleep on the floor. Let's fall asleep outside. Let's get a tattoo that probably wont mean anything to us when we're old but it'll be fun while it lasts. Let's go to the zoo. Let's go punting in the freezing cold with blankets and hot water bottles. Let's kiss each others bodies all over; the bottom of my back. Let's pretend that we've never met and meet up like it's the first time. Let's watch a foreign movie without the subtitles and make up what they're saying. Let's learn a dance. Let's make a really rubbish film. Let's buy a disposable camera, go somewhere new and take lots of photos then get them developed. Let's go see a landmark we've never been to. Let's play video games all day. Let's listen to music really loudly. Let's listen to music really quietly. Let's have a thumb war. Let's playfight. Let's make a pillow and duvet fort. Let's watch a scary film on mute with subtitles. Let's watch a kids film muted with a scary films sound. Let's write a song. Let's get really muddy then share a shower. Let's shower in the dark. Let's swap lives for a day. Let's go to the train station and get on the next train, no matter where it's going. Let's have an adult sleepover. Let's hire a bouncy castle for the day/night and sleep on it. Let's just do lots of things. Let's be happy.

Lauren x

Tick tock.

I wish I could find something that sends me to sleep like listening to music or watching films used to do. It's 06:28 and I haven't slept yet. I stopped breathing a few times in my sleep two nights ago and it really scared me. I have so much going on in my mind that I can't switch off. If you have any ideas on what will help me sleep, please comment. I could do with a fresh perspective.

Lauren x

I went a bit mental and wrote some stuff.

Hello to anyone who actually reads this. I don't mind if you don't like it. I would like it if you did, hopefully I can grip at least one persons attention. Okay so it's 03:27am. I'm in Cambridge UK living in halls at Anglia Ruskin. (please don't come and kill me or something, I hope my readers are nice!) I'm wide awake and I have too many things that I'd like to admit going through my mind right now. I'm gonna just write and write until I feel better, fall asleep or give up trying to sort my problems out by writing to anonymous readers across the globe. I guess you can say that I'm just writing to distract me from the shit in my head. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm talking shit. (I think this is probably most likely definitely maybe the case). 

It's 03:31 now. I've got an assignment due in a week. I don't even know what question I'm going to do for it yet and it's stressing me out. It's my least favourite module (Western Civilisation) and it's only just becoming interesting for me now we're touching on religion; we're learning about Christianity, Islam and Judaism now. I've had three graded assignments so far. One was a 7-10 minute presentation of the use of classical and biblical allusion in John Milton's Paradise Lost. The second, a 1500 word reflective essay on my experiences of English Literature and my understanding of certain literary terms. The third was another 1500 word essay but this time on Ancient Philosophy, specifically the Pre-Socratics and why they were deemed the first philosophers. There's the official stuff. I got 66% in my first assignment and don't know what I got in the second or third yet. But I'm really liking the motivation I get about two days before the deadline to do the work. It's cracking. Now to work on getting that ALWAYS. Wishful thinking.

03:39 and my mouth is dry. I bought some double strength Tesco's own label juice, two for like £1.50 I think. It's tasty; summer fruits flavour. There's been some great times at uni and some shit times. I'll touch on both here. First of all, I love my little fourth floor group and my course group. It feels so nice to feel like part of something. I've joined the Feminist Society and the Harry potter society. I've not actually been to any of the socials but what I HAVE done I'd like to think kinda makes up for it in a way. A week ago I spent around 3 and a half hours in the blistering cold getting people to email the council to support a proposal to get more efficient lighting for Parker's Piece. (FOOTBALL FANS, GOOGLE PARKER'S PIECE, IT'S COOL AND STUFF.) We stood and watched the park become darker and darker as the night drew in and we still stood passing on the message that there is the possibility of getting safer lighting for our community. We were in the newspaper and everything. Claim to fame - I'm in the newspaper for being a feminist and that's fucking awesome. Sammi, our Soc Leader and all round awesome gal, was the one who organised the demo and got us all out to support the cause and she's such a sound lass. We're really lucky to have her, not only as a society but as a university. This leads to my second good thing. I GOT A POLICY PASSED FOR UNIVERSITY AT STUDENT COUNCIL. I'm proper chuffed. I basically proposed that we get some of our lectures recorded and put on the VLE as a sound file. PURELY for reference. The attendance to these recorded lectures will be recorded and and monitored. If there's suddenly a drop and there's direct correlation between the recording and drop in attendance, they'll be taken away and only when attendance reaches a certain percentage will they be given back. I put it forward at a Student Council meeting and 46 out of 82 voters voted yes. I'm super chuffed. So that's my first two marks on Cambridge.

I am a little bit of a sad bean. My Nan has to have some sort of operation on her hip because she's got a lump there. She's 76 on Sunday and I'm not at home to see her. My Mama is unwell with her fibro as she's having a flare at the minute. My friend also tried to commit suicide. Everyone has shit going on in their lives that makes them sometimes lose control and I'm so sorry that it happened to my friend. Thankfully my friend wasn't successful in their attempts to take their own life and I still have my amazing, funny, cocky arse of a friend here still to annoy me and watch Disney films on demand with.

Just wanted to give a quick message to anyone who might be feeling suicidal: please, talk to someone before you make any decisions. Life can be an absolute pile of horseshit and you might want it to just be over and go away but life can be so amazing and you can only see that if you're alive to witness it. There is ALWAYS someone to talk to. Be proud of the person you are and the achievements you have gained in life. no matter how minute they may seem. Get out of bed this morning? Achievement. Eat breakfast? Achievement. Get out of bed to have a healthy breakfast and exercise? Triple achievement. You go team. It doesn't matter if someone else is wearing the same top as you but three sizes smaller: YOU ARE ROCKIN IT. It doesn't matter that the girl you loved is with another person now because you've broken up. THEIR LOSS, YOU ROCK THAT SINGLE LIFESTYLE. In a relationship and loving it? YOU ROCK THAT RELATIONSHIP. Have confidence in yourself. It's hard to do but once you stop caring about others and start loving yourself, you'll care less about what others think and just rock what YOU think. Rock. That. Confidence.

Basically, love yourself and everything that you are. Even that evil side of you that laugh deep inside when you see someone fall over in public. In the words of J.Cole (so inspirational, I know) "Love yourself, girl, or nobody will". LOVE STARTS WITH YOU. You. I'm aware that it's now 04:09 so as this has got battier I'm sure you can imagine why.

I went into work for halloween and carved the coolest pumpkins I have ever carved in my life I was so proud. I dressed up as Where's Wally today (15/11/2013) for Children In Need. That was fun. I got burned today but I'll be alright. Here's hoping to a happy next year.

Lauren x

Comfrot.

Thing's that comfort me at uni:

- baking
- my neighbours snoring
- seeing a cat on the street (though this is really rare where I live so I have to walk a funny way to work to see it)
- christmas films
- birdsong
- the sound of a kettle boiling
- when someone plays a song that my mum likes and sometimes sings if she's having a good day or if she's with me
- hearing people put plates/cutlery in the sink
- when my Mum misspells things in a text, it reminds me of how much she makes me smile, hence the title of this post.

All these things remind me of home. The kitchen is right below my room so I hear whenever the kettle boils, or a drawer is closed or a cupboard or if something is put in the sink. Sometimes I'll be awake long enough to see the sky get blue and to hear the birds start singing and that moment reminds me of home and f happy times. That moment reminds me of leaving for holiday or for Christmas and birthday mornings. It reminds me of that warm feeling you get when you truly enjoy the company of the people you're with. Christmas films also give me that same feeling and I always bake something at Christmas with my Mum and my nephews and we'd sing in the kitchen while we did that. I miss all these things and know that I wont get to do them this year, or the next two years for that matter, but I'll be able to spend Christmas Day with them, and to me that's all that matters.

I know it's early, but I hope you all have a really lovely Christmas and I hope it's perfect for you all and brings you comfort (and joy).

Lauren x

Smiling Faces.

Smiling faces looking at me,
My angels looking after me.
One by one they fly away,
But I know they'll come again someday.
I turn around, I'm in a new place,
Grassy fields, full of grace.
Falling down, I see a smile,
I feel like I have fallen a mile.
I see my angels; one, two, three,
I knew they would come to catch me.


I wrote this in year 9 when I was 14(ish?!) for English Literature. It's nothing special, but it reminds me of home.

Lauren x

Finally.

Exhaustion is the only way she could describe her feelings right now. She missed home. Work had been long and tiring. There had been a thunderstorm before she finished work and she'd always hated them from when she was younger; her Mum used to sit with her in the living room and they would watch the garden light up like daytime as the lightening struck and she could still remember to this day the way she grabbed her Mum in fright so quickly and hard that she left a bruise. She never forgot that because she hated the fact she left a mark on the woman who gave her life and though she had olive skin you could see the mark for what felt like weeks and weeks. She was digressing, she needed to get up and go home. She wanted to pass out right there on the floor next to her locker but she knew she had to leave, She had to call her Mum who was waiting to hear from her. She grabbed at something from deep down inside of her and found the will to stand up, even though her entire body seemed to be fighting against it.

It was still raining as She descended the escalator but it didn't take long for the dread to leave her as once she was outside she revelled in the warm droplets that kissed her cheeks and eyelids. She took a deep breath and told herself she would get a taxi home because it was dark. She walked a little while across the bridge and almost got hit by a rogue cyclist on the path. She remembered when He had once told off a cyclist that rang his bell at them as they walked down the street. She smiled as she remembered how He apologised to her for showing that side of him. She didn't mind. Better to see it this way than later unknowingly. She got to the point where she had decided to get a taxi but as the rain came down and made small lakes at her feet she realised just how much she loved to walk in the ran. It was easy. It felt right. It reminded her of home. So instead of pulling out her phone and calling a cab, she plundered on and relished in the fresh sense of relief that the downfall gave her.

She was wearing completely the wrong shoes for this weather: open toed dolly shoes with moon and star shaped holes in. Perfect. Her toes were completely drenched but she just stuck on some music and carried on. She looked around at all the people who were trying their best to avoid getting wet and hurrying to get inside but she was in no rush. She had nowhere to go that night so she didn't mind that she was getting her hair wet, in fact it made it smell amazing because it brought out the henna that she had applied only a couple of weeks before. The walk was relatively simple in terms of the route she had to take; straight down the main road, turn right at the end and straight down to home. It was an obstacle course of umbrella-dodging and puddle avoiding but she loved the mutual look of understanding when she walked past a fellow rain-walker with nothing to cover their heads but the hair that grew there. She reached a pedestrian crossing and pressed the button and waited for the green man. Many people came and went beside her and they dashed across the road between cars and bicycles, but she waited patiently for the green man, as she had already told herself, she was in no rush. She waited for a solid 3 minutes before the red man turned green and she crossed with a self-satisfied smile on her face as she passed the couple of smokers who had been watching her wait at the island in the middle of the road to cross, probably asking each other why she doesn't just cross as there were no cars or bikes at certain points, she could have easily crossed and been on her way by the time the green man had came to life. A pub to her right had a band playing and through misted windows she could see that it was a charity gig to raise money for Oxfam. She thought of home again. She remembered being 14 and going to a charity gig for the same cause and how she found one of her favourite artists there.

The corner where she would turn right down towards home was approaching and she stopped and took in the Church in all it's glory; lit up with floodlights and the clock showing everyone it's time. She stopped because it was just turning the hour of 10pm and she listened for the ten chimes before moving on. There was something about church bells that made her insides curl up in a frenzy of excitement, a feeling that she also got when she saw kittens and babies. Eight, nine ten...the chimes ceased. The road she was stumbling along was more like a shallow river now the rain was beating down on the cars as if to tell them to stop. The road was no longer a black and white canvas but an array of red, yellows and greens where various headlights and traffic lights reflected like a mirror on the surface the way a sunset leaves flames across the ocean. Not far now. She was almost home.

In a way, she didn't want it to end. She almost called Him and asked if He wanted to go for a walk in the rain, but she remembered He didn't want to get wet that day so She decided to leave Him be. She reached her building and took out her key to get inside. She fumbled with the key trying to get it in the lock; she hadn't realised just how cold she was until she could feel the warm glow of the heater through the door. She finally managed to turn the lock and stepped into the furnace that was her corridor. Her room wasn't until a couple floors up so she closed the front door and took up the two flights of stairs to her home. Dripping wet she unlocked the second door to her place of safety and felt a rush of warmth flow through her body. It wasn't the heater, it wasn't the cosy bed that awaited her, it was one word that meant that she couldn't sleep spread eagled that night, one word that meant she'd have to actually brush her hair in the morning, one word that meant that she'd have to actually put her clothes in the washing basket instead of the floor for the morning. "Finally". She wouldn't mind all of that for a second; He was there.


Lauren x

I'm walkin' down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinkin' 'bout is you.

4 weeks. One month. That's how long I've been away from home. For the first time in my life I've been living in a completely new city, with a bunch of strangers and no family to go to for a hug. I've met some really lovely people in the two weeks that I've been here and honestly, I'm so relieved. I thought that when I came here I'd end up being that loner that never went out, never made friends and just went along to lectures and seminars and did nothing else. I come across as really confident but I'm actually so stupidly shy and anxious about anything social that I was worried I'd just not hack it but the people I've met have been so open and welcoming and I'm so thankful for them. The fourth floor kitchen group, Charlie, Jess, Jake, Hamza, my Philosophy and English group and my new work friends (work frieeeend, friend!); you're all absolute babes.

University life is pretty much exactly how I expected it to be, but with a year of contemplating and waiting for it to come around I guess that was gonna happen anyway. Now that I'm here it feels like home. My little room feels cosy with all my blankets, cushions and photographs. My kitchen is pants but hey, I wasn't expecting miracles. It's been hard to not be able to go to my Mum for a cuddle when I'm feeling down, especially when I have a particularly bad dep. day. Depression is bullshit and it pisses me off that I can just feel down for what feels like no reason? I'm getting there. I've found solace in a friend from down the hall; we spent around 2 hours sliding my ID card across the kitchen table then laying on the chairs and talking crap. But it was so nice to have that alone time with someone nice, you know? (We also spent around 2 hours pinging one of those plastic pizza table things across the kitchen table the other day too, we're mature people, honestly). Also, Charlie from 3rd floor is pretty cool, but don't tell him I said that. We have this love/hate thing where we know we hate each other and we love it. He's an arsehole. I'm a vagina*. We were made to be friends ahahah! (friend, halls friend).

*only in a failed Russian accent

It's strange not being able to sing my heart out in my room or in the shower. Not being able to just burst into song wherever I am at 'home'. I've kinda had a couple nights where I've ended up singing, but not loudly (I hope). I've spoken to my mum everyday I've been here and she told me that the thing she misses most about me being at home is my singing, she said that home is really quiet and she keeps thinking I'm gonna start playing music from my room or start singing in the shower. I've got a relatively quiet corridor that I live down in halls so I guess I don't feel so bad about making some noise because I think everyone's probably feeling the same way about making noise; they all want to but are a bit wary of it.

Sometimes I feel really lonely. I feel so alone and so scared that I just burst into tears, luckily I'm always in my room and it's always at night that I feel this way but it happens nevertheless and it's horrible. i guess this is where I link this back to the title of the post. 'I'm walkin' down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinkin' 'bout is you.' is lyrics from a song by Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves and it's beautiful. Listen to it here. The other night was nice because I had a shift at work (oh I got the supervisor job, yay!) and then Jake was bored as was I so we went down to my kitchen for a bit(hours...) and just chilled. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I've spent a lot of time with Charlie the last week or so, it's been nice to be able to have someone to chill with...(his love for Disney movies helps, too).

I miss things from home and it's strange what they are. I miss getting on the bus. I miss Abington park. I miss familiarity of being able to say "oh remember when we were there...". I know that in time I'll have that here in Cambridge but for now everywhere's new and I just want to explore. I miss my cats. I miss baths. I miss the people from work. I miss the little flowers that grow on the field next to my house. I miss seeing people I know and being able to say hello how's your mother.

I just want it to be freezing cold and I want it to be leafy everywhere and orangey-brown and misty and autumny. I want to have to wear a hat and scarf and I want to have to wear a coat and boots. I can't wait to see Cambridge in all it's wintery glamour. I feel so happy when it's autumn and I just need that now, I need Autumn to happen. Bring on winter, I'm so ready for you.

Yours waiting and writing daily, even if it's not shown,

Lauren x

Maybe two, is better than one.

My life is one, but my life is in you, that's two,

My breath is one, but it takes two to kiss you, and my breath is yours when we embrace, that's two, or one? Who's breath lies in the warmth between our lips. Ours; made of two.

One glance, I see brown hair, stubble, clothes. Second glance, I see You.
I see You looking across the room at what seems like nothing. What do you see there? I see etches but I can't make them out. Two glances is what it took to make me want a hundredth.


If only I could see you for the first time again, what would I see now?
I don't know if You're there anymore, but if You are;
give me a sign; give me two.
give me a vision; give it twice.
give me something fast; double time.

Give in or give up.

Where's my banjo?

Only my best friend will laugh sincerely when I say this. Only one person n the whole wide world will instantly understand the connection between us and be like "oh my god that was hilarious, I love you!!!" This one person has been like a sister to me for approximately ten years now and I want to celebrate this ten year anniversary with her with a dedication to one of the most strong and beautiful women I know: Louise Ellen Duneclift.

We first met when she was having a screaming match with a girl I knew and her mum in the street. Classy bird. But from then on I fell in love with her as she was new to the area and absolutely hilarious. She had a really cute kind of off-Welsh accent but that seems to have gone no, but I love her the same. She was taller than me and had brown hair and the most amazing hazel green eyes I'd ever seen. She really is absolutely beautiful. We went to the same school; she was two years above me. She lived in my street with her family and two dogs. That's the little information.

Louise has been there for me through thick and thin. People say that a lot but a lot has happened in my life that I've needed a shoulder to cry on or a hug to absolutely wail into. She's been there through the two hardest times in my life so far and I can't thank her enough for that. We've shared some amazing memories and I'll never forget them. I love her to pieces and now that we're not living down the road from each other it feels strange that we can't just say 'oh hey wanna meet up in town?' or 'hey wanna see a film?'. We didn't really do that MUCH at home anyway but we had the option, it was there as an availability. I miss her and I can't wait to see her, even though I know EXACTLY what she'll say..."OH YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT US LITTLE NORTHAMPTON LOT NOW YOU HAVE YOUR UNI FRIENDS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE" and she's a bloody muppet for even thinking that. 

Love you Lou,

Lauren x

Fibromyalgia.

A lot of people ask me what it is, what happens because of it and will it ever get better and just so you can all learn a bit about it.

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. YOU ARE IMAGINING THIS PAIN. YOU ARE NOT ILL. NOPE. NOT AT ALL. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT OF YOU IS ILL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTAL DISORDER COUNSELLING FOR YOUR DELUSIONS.

This is the response my mum was met with when she was undergoing investigations about her illness. Why was she constantly in pain? Why did she ache all day and all night in places she didn't know could ache so bad? Why couldn't she sleep?

My mum has fibromyalgia and it's a chronic illness that causes the most painful muscle spasms, cramps, stabbing pains and fatigue, along with a massive list of other things I wouldn't want to scare you with. It usually goes hand in hand with other illnesses such as vertigo, depression and anxiety.

I did an interview with my mum about her illness if any of you want to take a look at first hand experience of fibromyalgia.

How long have you had fibromyalgia?

15 years ago I started having the symptoms and no one could figure out what was wrong with me and why the symptoms were so diverse; fibromyalgia wasn't recognised back then. It wasn't until 5 years ago that I went again with constant pain and was tested by the doctor and asked questions on my heath and I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, because it hadn't been treated and left for so long it was worse than it could have been had I received help before.

How does it limit your daily life?

It's taken away my choice to work because I can't remember things properly as fibro causes memory loss, what the fibro community calls 'fibro fog', and confusion as well as the pain simple tasks can cause. My social life was shot. Simple things such as washing your hair or painting your nails are limited and you have to do things on a good day. You can't plan ahead; you don't know what severity your pain is going to be each day along with the things that go with fibro such as depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and fatigue. It causes me great frustration because it limits what I can do with my day and having to rely on others and constantly ask for help makes you feel ashamed because you're no longer the person you were.  I can't leave the house by myself unless I'm having an extremely good day (once in a bloody blue moon) and some days I can't even get out of bed due to the pain in my body. When I do go out of the house I have to use a stability tool to help me and this varies on my waves of pain; fairly good days - walking stick, bad day - walker, very bad day - wheelchair. 

What can cause fibromyalgia?

It can be brought on by mental or body trauma; a physical accident from years before can cause the onsets of fibro but also emotional trauma. My fibro was accelerated by being put into an induced coma due of anaphylaxis and since then my body has never regained it's full potential. There is no cure for fibromyalgia. It's just trying to find the comfort and pain relief that works for you as every case is different and needs to be treated differently.

What is fibromyalgia for you?

It attacks every muscle in your body and every nerve ending causing extreme spasms and has been known to cause skin conditions such as the feeling of crawling skin and can increase sensitivity to chemical products. Your senses are affected where your ordinary smells that you can enjoy can suddenly make you feel ill like strong perfume or even the smell of your favourite food or certain washing products. I'm in constant pain, every minute of the day I'm feeling pain and if I seem like I'm not then it's just a lower amount of pain, it's constantly there. Fibromyalgia is like carrying ten full shopping bags in each hand up a hill and steps, that ache when you do that comes from menial tasks like loading a dishwasher.

What remedies are there for fibro?

I have to take morphine which causes me to be extremely sleepy and I have to take regular naps along with anti-sickness tablets because my morphine dose is so strong it makes me feel sick as a dog, particularly because I have other medication that I have to take that doesn't sit quite well with the morphine. As I'm aware there are two drugs that are prescribed to sufferers of fibro but I have never been offered them. Some holistic remedies work some people people, physical remedies help for others but I'm yet to find one which really helps, (a legal one anyway).

What would you say to anyone reading this who suffers or think they may suffer with fibro?

The most important thing to anyone who has fibro is having a family that understands you and your illness. many people are labelled as lazy due to other people's ignorance to it. Try not to let it get you down, you will have very dark days but there are always good days as well and make the most of those and they can be rare. If you think you might have fibro, go to your doctor and if you're not satisfied with that answer get a second opinion, ask to be referred to a rheumatologist. Don't wait ten years like I had to.

Any last words?

Take each day as it comes and don't punish yourself for not being well.

Lauren x

23

Twenty-three (and a bit) years ago two people met for the first time through a mutual friends house party. He had a beard. beer and a belly, she had lipstick, eyeliner and a perm. She sat on his lap and they got talking with the sound of Metallica, Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath playing in the background to accompany their romance. Soon enough they realised they were both awesome individuals and got together. The only thing was he lived in Witney and she in Northampton, so how would it work? He had a full time job in Witney, he couldn't just leave it? But they worked at it and worked it out and from the ashes a phoenix was born and a beautiful couple was formed. He would work Monday to Friday and then ride his motorbike from Witney up to Northampton every Friday night to spend the weekend with her and her daughter. When Sunday night came he had to leave and when he did she would listen to Sinead O'Connor 'Nothing Compares To You' and cry her eyes out. Eventually he managed to secure a job close to her and moved in. They got married on September 15th 1990 at St Andrew's Church in Billing and their wedding song was Solomon Kane 'She Wears My Ring'. Three years later they had their baby on their 3rd wedding anniversary. She was born with big blue eyes, rosebud lips and barely any hair. 20 years later their baby is flying the coop and they are still happily married and love each other more each day. Out of five couples who were together and all women were pregnant, only two of those couples remain together. Those two were this lady and man, and his sister and her husband. They kept and keep their vows and practise them every day. Through illness and health is probably the biggest vow that has been challenged and when it was and she was very very ill, he never wavered from her side.

As you may have guessed these two beautiful people are my parents. Patrick John Fidler and Joan Louise Fidler. I couldn't ask for two better role models when it comes to love, loyalty and relationships. They have shown me that true happiness is possible when you find the right person to share it with. So without further ado, I would like to wish a very Happy 23rd Wedding Anniversary to my parents, you guys are amazing and I love you unconditionally.


P.S, I found an awesome site through StumbleUpon (check that out by the way, it's awesome and will cure any Internet boredom ever). It was about true love and what true love is to children and I found it just incredibly cute, here's the link and enjoy.

Lauren x

Teenage years.

Tomorrow I'll be turning 20 and i was just recapping in my mind all my teenage years and how I'll never get them back, they're gone and that's a big part of my life out of the way now. Within the next decade I may have children and be married, how scary is that? So while I was thinking of my teenage years I tried to think of the most memorable thing I can think of from each age and it was scary how little I remember specifically about being a teenager. From the age 13-15 I don't remember much apart from the group of friends I had and what i was about. From the age 16-19 however are another story.

13-15.
When I was 13 I had my first 'proper' boyfriend. Awh. I remember being extremely self-conscious and even more self-doubting which went well with the 'emo/grunge/pretend-to-be-scene' look we were all going for.
When I was 14 I started to become an individual and not just part of a group. I knew who my friends were and i had a lot of them, but I knew who really counted. I was happy being 14. I had boyfriends 2 and 3 when I was 14. I stretched my ear and got my nose pierced at 14 and still have them now, and it's scary to think that tomorrow that'll be 6 years ago. Holey moley.
15 is a strange age to remember for me; it's like a transitional year because you're already a teenager but you've had  couple years practise at that and now you just wanna be 16 because it's one of those 'milestone' ages. I remember feeling 15 and being 15. Boyfriend 4 came in this year and I felt really grown up; little did i know that this was never going to go anywhere and I wish I knew that then how I do now because it would have saved a lot of time and tears. I liked being 15, it was fun to be 15 but the only downfall was people looked at you like you were still a young child when you were 15 but you felt really grown up. Now that I'm (almost) 20 I'm glad they did. Childhood is something you can't get back and I'm glad I got to have mine.

16-19.
Being 16 was my favourite time. My 16th birthday party was the most memorable thing from this age and people still talk about it now. i had a band that I was friends with playing in my garden and a shed loads of people at my house, I'm surprised they all fit to be honest. At 16 I met boyfriend 5 and he is still in my life. No one could have written how the next three years would have panned out but life is life and it has it's ways of making you stronger.
Being 17 is another transitional year and an extremely stressful, sad, happy, scary one. Being 17 is when my world got rocked and turned upside down and it has never been the same since. January of age 17 was one year in a relationship, my longest ever (still) relationship. It was also the year I took part in my first Race For life with three other lovely ladies and we raised a hell of a lot of money for Cancer Research UK in honour of someone so dear to us.
The year you 'become an adult'. 18 years old never made sense to me; you become an adult in the eyes of the law, you can drink and smoke, you can watch explicit content online and in cinemas yet you are still a teenager. You are still a teen. EighTEEN never made sense to me and it brought a lot of anxiety, depression, confusion and pain. But with all that I learnt confidence, happiness, clarity and strength. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I know it's so cliche but it's so true. I gave blood for the first time when I was 18 and I'm still a regular donor.
I'm 19 now and it's been a great year. I mean it's had some bumps but it's been an overall good year. I got my first full time job at the cinema and I've been there a year now. I've found a happiness in myself that I used to have when I was 16. I'm happy being 19, I hope 20 brings a happy year too.

To anyone else who shares my birthday, have an awesome day and just to let you know: you are awesome. I'm talking to the Ruth Thompson's, the David Perham's, the Tom Lee Jones', the Tom Hardy's and the Prince Harry's out there. Happy Birthday you guys.

Lauren x

Aint no party like a Cinecrew party.

Last night was my last shift at Cineworld until I come back in December after going on student leave while I move to Cambridge and I had such a good team on with me, I'm so glad I got to spend my last shift with my girls. So as I've now left, tonight is my leaving do and it cannot come soon enough, I'm super excited! A friend from work is having a house party for my leaving and it's gonna be awesome; punch, pie, twister, music, card games, you name it.

I know that by the end of the night I'm going to end up crying because I'm leaving the people who have made this last year so special for me but I wouldn't change it  for the world, I get to spend one last amazing night with them all and I can't wait!

So here's a little message to all you people leaving your loved ones this year to go to university, or move to a job in another part of the country or another country;

Love is like a homing pigeon; you never know if it loves you until you let it go, then all you have to do is wait until it comes back and it will. It will never forget it's way back to you and will always find it's way back home. If you're moving away from a partner then don't worry about it, either you will stay strong and committed or it wont work out and you'll both realise that it's for the better. Do not let anyone make you feel selfish for going after what you want, this is your life and this is your chance to make a difference and put your mark on the world, even if it's just your own little corner of it.

Lauren x

The good pricks.

1. The prick of tears.
So a few nights ago I had my last shift with the manager I feel the most close with at work and he's just an awesome guy. He's so funny and I always look forward to a shift when he's on. I've only known him for a year but in that time he's made me laugh and smile so much I lost count of the times I've said 'oh that guy!'. He's not usually a 'serious talk' guy unless you've been an ass and which you get the proper serious guy. But when he said goodbye to me it was the most sincere I've ever heard him and it made my eyes prick with tears and I just had this warm feeling inside like I found somewhere I was genuinely happy and I was bloody leaving it. I just wanna say thank you to him, in my own kinda way like this, y'know through my blog. Thanks for being such a great guy to me and making me feel welcome. I'm gonna miss ya buddy. It was that prick of tears that I love; the sharpness of pure emotion that really reflects how happiness can be painful. So happy to have someone uber cool in your life that when you leave them to be happy elsewhere it's gonna hurt. Thanks mother nature, you've truly outdone yourself on that one.

2. The prick of your ears.
When someone says your name but it's not you their talking to. When you hear the intro to your favourite song. When you hear a noise in the middle of the night and you become super sensitive to sound. When you hear something that you're damn sure you weren't supposed to hear. For me, the things that prick my ears up the most is the sound of a bell on a cat's collar, when someone mentions Harry Potter, when someone says the names Lauren, Jo, Pat, Claire, Lewis, Cameron or Peggy, the into to any of the songs on my top 25 most played on iTunes and the beginnings of irish and country music songs.


Out of every negative there comes a positive and in a life and world full of so much pessimism and negativity, you cannot get by without seeing the light.


Lauren x

When life gives you lemons...

make lemon drizzle cake. Or lemonade.

Life hands us a hand of cards. You're playing rummy with two others and going for four aces and eight, nine ten of hearts. You have the hearts, three aces and a seven of spades. Now the person who wins the game puts down the last ace that you would have needed to succeed and wins with three jacks and jack, queen king of diamonds. So in you're mind, you're pretty annoyed seeing as they had the one important card to you and they didn't even need it. But think of the other player, the third player. They may have been going for a run of two, three, four, five, six, seven and eight of spades and they had from two til seven and a three of clubs. You had the card they would have needed for an amazing win and you didn't even need that card either, just like the winner and your ace.

Remind yourself of the other people around you when you feel like you're falling apart. You may have something they need desperately just as you need something someone else has and there's no straight way to figure it out. The person after you at the table may lay a card you need and you know you have missed out because no matter what, the person to your right can either use it or lose it but either way you'll never get it, not until the deck is turned over and you begin again.

Take advantage of new starts and become a new player, become who you want to be. Play the hand you want to and adapt your hand adequately to whatever you're dealt and you will always end up being the winner in the end.

Lauren x

Cars. Cuts. Crooked teeth.

Today the car broke down. Not my car, not a neighbour's car. THE car. The family car. The car that's supposed to be taking me to university in a week on Saturday. I'm lost as to what I'm going to do if the car doesn't get fixed before then and to be honest it's struck a fear in my heart about leaving that I'm using all of my might to battle.

Recently I've been waking up with random cuts and bruises. The smallest little touch can cut me and if I'm honest it's really annoying, I've been trying to figure out what it is and I didn't realise until the other night that I'm a really unsettled sleeper. I don't sleep very well and I lash out and talk in my sleep and make weird noises. I would love to have my sleep analysed by some psychology hot shot.

I had crooked teeth from when my adult teeth grew through up until I got braces when I was 15. I was 16 when I got them removed and I got a retainer that was a pain in the ass, or more the mouth. It didn't fit properly and I would have had to pay like £65 to get them remade so I had no retainer and now my teeth have started to go wonky again. I feel so ugly when I notice them but then someone tells me I have a nie smile and I feel better again.

Sometimes it's just the smallest thing that can lift my mood even when it's an even more minute thing that can bring it down.

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Albus Dumbledore

Let it out.

On September 21st I'll be flying the nest and leaving my mama bear and daddy for the first time in my life. I've never spent a long time away from my parents, maybe once or twice while one was gone but the other was always there, so it's going to be hard to leave them. I've always been close to my parents since I was a kid; there were times that I'd stay in and watch TV with my mum or play PlayStation1 with my dad rather than play out with friends. At times I feel like I'm really grown up, I look at how far I've come over the last few years and how much I've had to change along with my friends in order to deal with the pressures of society; do your A-Levels, pass them, apply for university, get into university, move away from your parents, get a job and start making your way in the world. It's hard being 16 and being asked what you want to do for the rest of your life, who knows that?

At the age of 14/15 I wanted to be a social worker. I was dead set on it. I guess growing up in a council estate and seeing the struggle of daily life for a lot of people gives you this sense of understanding because hell, you've been through that too. I wanted to help people. When my sister applied for university and got in to do social work I was so proud of her, even if I never told her. She graduated this year as a social worker and she came up from what everyone told her would bring her down; a teenage mother who dropped out of school to be a hairdresser. She has done so well for herself and she wanted to be a hairdresser at 16. So when my time came, I wanted to be like my big sister. I wanted to be as good as her, make my parents as proud of me as she has made them, even if she doesn't see it. She's been my role model since day 1 and even if she doesn't realise it, she's made me who I am today. I just wanted to make everyone else happy and proud.

Life has a way of throwing shitty things at you when you are already struggling enough with the weight you carry around on your shoulders day-in day-out. But what life also does is it makes you exercise those back muscles, makes you strong. You can't help it if sometimes you fall down because it all becomes too much to hold in. What does matter is that you pick yourself up again and start over, bit by bit, at your own pace, back to strength. That's what I'm doing. At the age of 17 I was determined I was going to fail my A Levels, never become what I want and be stuck by myself with my depression and my anxiety, with all the subconscious thoughts telling me I would never be good enough for anything in life. Last year I did what I had deemed to myself the impossible given the previous year and I passed my A Levels and got into my firm choice, Anglia Ruskin in Cambridge to study Philosophy & English Literature (I know, where's that gonna get me?). I then want to do my PGCE and become a secondary school teacher. I made a promise to myself last year that I would never let myself feel that way again. So today, to all and any of you who may read this, I make a promise. Selfish as it is, it's not to not be better, not to be prettier or skinnier or less anxious or less scared, but just for one thing: to be happy for me, not for anyone else. I will.

Here, have a story on me.

I wrote this when I was 16 (I think?) so don't judge me.


Secrets The Future Holds.

Now, walking down the desolate streets of Northampton town centre, Leo turned the corner into what he thought was going to be an abandoned Gold Street. Nobody had walked these parts of England for over five years now, so what Leo saw next as he turned made his heart race, pupils dilate and the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

It was the year 2009, the year when the credit crunch had hit hard and everybody was 'feeling the pinch'. Northampton town managed to keep steady for a couple of months, but on June 17th, a series of unexplained breakdowns around the town occurred, leaving people with no business, jobs, resources or homes. People, scared of a break-in, soon grew wary of leaving their homes, and most ended up packing up and moving away. But not many people found towns that hadn’t been hit hard like Northampton had. The friendly hustle and bustle, which usually made the market a pleasant place to be, soon turned to a place of anger and frustration. Before too long, the population decreased from around 85,000 to just 300 people.

A small family lived in a beautiful thatched cottage in Northampton, near Abington Park. It had cute little garden full of flowers, fruit and vegetable plants. The woman of the house, Mrs. Fentredent, was always out in the garden whilst her children; Leo (who was fifteen), and Clara (who was seventeen), were at school and college. Her husband was always away on business trips so he barely got time to spend with his wife and children. On June 16th, Clara was celebrating her eighteenth birthday with a party at a club in the town centre. Mr Fentredent was due to be home in the next few hours, depending on the traffic, to be with his family to celebrate his daughter’s birthday.

It was five o'clock and Mrs Fentredent was in the garden gathering flowers for decoration on the kitchen table and picking the ripest fruit and vegetables she had for a healthy lunch before the party, when the shrill ring of the house phone startled her, making her drop the contents of her picking basket. The contents spilled over the grass and with a sigh of disbelief she ran inside to pick up the phone. She was so shocked by the phone ringing because it was highly unusual for anybody to ring at this time of the day, as the people who usually rang were people for Mr Fentredent form work or Clara and Leo's friends. Who could it be? She ran as fast as she could, begging it not to stop ringing by the time she got there. She got there just as she thought it had stopped and picked up the receiver. "H-hello?" Mrs Fentredent gasped, out of breath. Someone was on the other end of the phone, but they didn’t speak. She could hear them breathing; whoever it was sounded as if they were in pain. "Get out of the house, as soon as possible" they choked, "They're coming for you and the kids"

The phone went dead. She couldn’t tell for definite who it was, but because the caller had said "...and the kids" she guessed and thought it was her husband. They sounded deadly serious, and in terrible pain. She stood frozen to the spot, gasping from shock and the run in from the garden. Phone still in hand, she allowed her brain to process what was going on. Someone was coming to the house, by the sound of it, for her family and herself. It sounds like whoever it was; they had already got to her husband. She got a grip of herself and a million thoughts ran through her mind. Without thinking about what she was doing, she rain upstairs and grabbed holiday bags from the airing cupboard in the bathroom and threw soap, toothbrushes and paste, flannels and towels into one of them, as if her body was in auto-pilot. She then ran into Clara’s bedroom and stuffed clothes form her drawers and wardrobe then to her own room and threw some clothes of hers and hers on top of Clara’s. She put her husbands into another bag and ran into Leo's room. Spilling the contents of his clothes drawers on top of Mr Fentredent’s clothes, she sat momentarily in shock.

Underneath Leo's socks was a photograph of his real father. He has never met him, and never seemed keen to know about him. She realised then that Leo was the absolute spit of him. Mr Fentredent wasn't Clara or Leo's biological father, but he had been their daddy ever since Leo was two and Clara was five. The father had left, due to family differences and ongoing arguments about money and housing. Nevertheless, she packed the photo. If Leo had gotten drawn close to this photograph, then she wouldn’t want to cause arguments or upsets by not taking it, wherever they were going. Then it dawned on her, where were they going to go, and how long must they be away from their home? She felt sick at the thought of having to leave and never come back. They had put their heart and soul into making this the home of their dreams. She ran downstairs, bags in hand, and the sound of them made her jump as they crashed on the stone floor. She rolled her eyes at herself and grabbed the mobile phone, which was only used for emergencies, from under the kitchen sink and selected Clara's number and pressed the call button. "Hello, what's wrong?" Clara’s voice came from the speaker on the mobile. "Clara honey, I don’t have time to explain but I need you to leave your lesson and get to the safest part of college, I’ll be there as soon as I can, I love you" Mrs Fentredent blurted out over the phone, trying to keep calm, but the nerves got the best of her. "Okay, I love you too" Clara replied, and then the phone line went dead. She searched through the phonebook in the tiny device and selected Leo's number and ran through the same conversation with him as she had done with Clara. 

Mobile phone pocketed, she opened an old, grubby biscuit box that was at the back of the food cupboard, that when she opened revealed a tiny set of keys. She took them out and ran into the shed in the garden and hurriedly shoved everything out of her way. As she pushed the last of the garden tools out of the way, a tiny hole in the floor was revealed and she put in one of the keys and turned it. Relief filled her as she heard the lock click and dust erupted form the floor as she lifted up a secret door that to anyone who didn’t know it was there, would look just like shed floorboards. She climbed down a metal ladder which took her down to a small room, filled with boxes and shelves. She didn’t have to look through lots of boxes because she knew exactly what she was looking for. She ran across the room towards what looked like a cardboard box, but turned out to be made of concrete. She turned another key in another lock and she pulled the heavy door open. Another box lay inside, about the size of a suitcase and she pulled it out, not bothering to close the door or the shed behind her. She opened up the suitcase and revealed about three thousand pound in £20 notes. She then stuffed this into her handbag and zipped it up quick, as if she thought someone might be watching her. She then took all the bags, ran out to her car and threw them into the boot, not caring about order or tidiness. She ran back into the house and emptied her food cupboards into a black sack and then three that along with the other bags into her boot.

Leo stood, momentarily in shock as he took in what he could see. He saw a gruesome looking beast, eight feet tall at least with great big hands and feet, a blackish slime covering its body,  It had what looked like a half eaten animal of some sort in one hand, and the other hand covered in blood. He ran, fear flooding his body so he wasn’t making the movements in his muscles but a conscience telling him to move. He didn’t look back; he just needed to get back to the Safe Place. He ran up the Drapery, up past the Bear Pub and down to Lady's Lane to the building which was once The Roadmender. He threw open the doors and closed them shut tight behind him, locking all the locks and pushing chairs and boxes against the door. He paced to the upstairs lounge which is where he had set up his room in, and pulled out some books form under one of the sofas. He had some great ones there; Frankenstein, Of Mice and Men, Romeo and Juliet, an Inspector Calls, some poetry books and some cooking books. He picked up the biggest book, (which happened to be the bible his mother had packed all those years ago when they left) and out of it slid his RE schoolbook. Leo was in his RE lesson when his mother called and told him to get to a safe place. He looked around the room. It was dark, but felt comfortable with the lamplight on the bar. The red paint was peeling off the bricks in some places but it still felt like home. The small spaces in the wall allowed him to look down on the small stage and dance floor that was Roadmender Bar. He got cuddled up under his duvet and turned on some music. He thought a bit of Claude Debussy would calm him down, but when you know you are completely alone in a town that you have just found out has adopted some gross new monsters, you'd find it hard to be calm and peaceful too. Sweeping back his dirty blonde hair form his eyes, he opened a photo album and stared at the faces that he longed to see again, even if it were for one minute. 

Leo woke, startled by the sound of the photo album falling to the floor when he had fallen asleep whilst watching the faces of his family staring back at him, frozen smiles on their faces. He missed them so much. As he lay there, deep in thought of his family, he didn’t know that someone, or something, was making their way toward his Safe Place. They were right outside, walking down Lady's Lane towards the underground way into Roadmender. Leo became suddenly aware that he was not alone, as someone was inside his Safe Place. "Hello is anybody there?" he called out, hoping that he would receive no reply. He pulled out a baseball bat from under the table and held it stiffly in one hand as he made his way out of his room, across the upstairs balcony area and down the metal winding stairs. "Hello, I know you're in here, please let me in!" came a voice from the stage hall. Leo recognised the voice, but he couldn’t put it to a face, he knew that voice, deep down, something burst into flames. "Who are you?" Leo shouted in reply, not daring to get any closer to the door. He was so frightened because he hadn’t spoken to anyone in person for such a long time. "You'll know me when you see me, oh Leo is it really you?" they replied. Leo stood, almost absolutely statue if it wasn’t for his chest going up and down to hard as his nerves pulsed all over his body. They knew his name, they knew him. How did they know he was here? "I'll let you in, but you have to answer a question, so I know you're who I think you are, okay?" Leo told her, he wasn’t stupid, it could be some scrounger. But all the same, a scrounger would be better company then nobody I guess. "How old was I, when you moved from our house?" Leo asked, hoping they would answer correctly. He waited for an answer; sure they weren’t going to answer but then... "Thirteen" they replied. This wasn’t who he thought this was; this was somebody pretending to be who he wished it was. "WHO ARE YOU?!" Leo shouted, furious and confused, tears pricked in his eyes. Who would be so cruel! Just then he heard a tremendous growl and banging on the doors. He heard scratching like something was desperate to get in, growling like whatever was trying to get in was furious and he could smell something so disgusting he could barely breathe. 

Mrs Fentredent started driving towards Leo's school as it was closest. He attended Northampton School for Boys. It's a pity now this craziness was happening, because it was a brilliant school. He was sent to Weston Favell School first, but he got in a fight with some boys, who had been bullying him, and a teacher got caught up in it and he hit him in reflex as the teacher pulled him back. She started Speeding down billing road and turned swiftly into the car park. She ran towards head office and asked for her son immediately. 

Leo ran towards the door, bat in hand and heart racing ten to the dozen. As the door smashed in he saw the ugly monster from Gold Street rampage towards him and his swung his winning swing and hit it straight in the head. It fell to the floor, blood everywhere, and Leo confirmed it dead when the body fell to pieces on the floor and started to turn to dust. “Whoa.” That was the weirdest thing Leo had seen in his life. Just when he thought he was going crazy, a woman ran in the door. He knew her straight away, he cried out loud “Clara, oh my god Clara!” and ran towards her. Why wasn’t she looking at him? Why wasn’t she answering him. She stood in shock as she saw the decomposing body on the floor. "Mum come quick, something's been killed in here!" Clara shouted. She was older now, obviously. She would be twenty three, going on twenty four now. Leo was going on nineteen himself. She looked so different, whereas Leo seemed to look the same. Then his mother came in and he couldn’t help but burst into tears. "MUM IM HERE, IT'S LEO, I’M HERE, LOOK AT ME!" he shouted, begging her to look at him. But she just stood with her daughter, looking at this beast and said "Damn, they're in Kettering and Corby, now Northampton?" she said, annoyed look on her face. "Leo would of loved this, us three together fighting these beasties." But he was standing right there. He had just killed this 'beastie' and his mother and sister wouldn’t even look at him. Were they angry at him or something? For getting stuck in the car when the house fell on them and they left, they left him! Why were they angry at him! He was so confused, a thousand memories ran through his mind. The phone call, the shouting, the building, the pain, getting stuck, he got stuck he... No, no way. 


“Mum, what’s going on?” Leo asked, a worried and scared look on his face. The boy was fifteen for god sake how is he meant to handle this kind of situation in his mind. He stepped into the car and before he could even close his door properly Mrs Fentredent screeched off out of the school gates and headed towards Clara’ college. “Something or someone is coming for us, we don’t know who, we don’t know why, we just know” She told him about the phone call and how they needed to keep calm and get as far away as possible. They arrived at Clara’s College and she ran out of the college as soon as they arrived and she jumped in the car. She was older so she knew that an emergency in the Fentredent family was a major emergency, not just spilt milk. They started driving towards the town centre, to catch a train to London where Mr Fentredent was most likely to be. They turned down Gold Street when out of the blue a building collapsed in front of them, bricks landed all over the car and the Fentredent’s screamed. The only thing running through Mrs Fentredent’s mind was her children. “Leo, Clara are you okay?” she shouted. Clara made a noise that’s suggested she was and no sound came from Leo. “LEO, no Leo!” She started sobbing. Blood was pouring from his nose and his face was bruised and cut all over. His body lay mangled across the backseat of the car. “Mum, check his pulse check his pulse quick!” Clara screamed. She couldn’t believe that this could happen all on her birthday. Mrs Fentredent took hold of Leo’s arm. She felt no pulse. Leo Fentredent, her perfect, beautiful son, was dead.

A little insight into my iTunes.

I've been trying to organise my music on my laptop, y'know clearing out the songs that I NEVER listen to and always skip, like songs from CD's I've synced to my laptop because of a handful of songs (before I realised I could choose the couple I wanted, my iTunes has had years of adding and deleting okay?). So I thought I'd give you a little post about my top 25 most listened to songs on my iTunes at the moment by giving you the first bit of each song. Enjoy :)

• Ball so hard mu'fuckas wanna find me, first n'ggas gotta find me
• Lying in her bedroom lighting up a Benson, face hair is growing so I cut it with a vengeance
• I thought I saw you yesterday, but I didn't stop 'cause you was walking the opposite way
• Far over the misty mountains cold, to dungeons deep and caverns old
• He's out your system yeah it took you a while, you got your family back and you got your smile
• Walk a mile in these Louboutins, but they don't wear these shits where I'm from
• Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in, lay down with me and hold me in your arms
• Chest to chest, nose to nose, palm to palm we were always just that close
• I know you've been hurt by someone else, I can tell by the way you carry yourself
• Didn't see it coming, no kind of warning I can't work out what I've done wrong
• I'm fucking walking paradox, no I'm not
• I like a woman with a future and a past, a little attitude problem all good it'll make that shit last
• Gal me want fi hold ya, put me arms right around ya
• When the rain is blowing in your face an the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love
• You wont find him drinking at the tables, rolling dice and staying out 'til three
• Said I couldn't do it, pocket full of money got a phone full of numbers, magazine covers
• What of the dollar you murdered for? Is that the one fighting for your soul?
• Wasn't looking for trouble, but it came looking for me
• I got shivers when you touch my face, I'll make you hot get all you got I'll make you wanna say JAI HO
• When will I see you again? You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
• I know way too many people right now that I didn't know last year, who the fuck are y'all?
• Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy you could die
• Ladies and gentlemen, this is something they call, a groundbreaker
• Human beings in a mob, what's a mob to a king, what's a king to a god, what's a god to a non-believer, who don't believe in anything?
• Valjean at last, we see each other plain, Monsieur La Maire, you wear a different chain

Yesterday.

This is my all time favourite song ever. I know every single word and could sing/rap/say(what?) it to you if you asked off the top of my head. If I had to recommend you one song to listen to, even just once, it would be this song. It's beautiful. It's written and performed so well and with so much feeling it makes me emotional everytime I hear it. It's not quite what you expect so listen all the way to the end. It's hip-hop, so don't go into it thinking 'oh this is gonna be some Adele crap' no. Just no.

Feel Free to let me know what you think in the comments, I'll reward you with another awesome song recommendation.

Ever feel like you belong somewhere else?

 I feel like I belong near the coast. These photographs have given me such happiness since August when I was on holiday.
This is at Beer. The walk down to the beach was a really steep hill that was difficult to climb back up but it was worth it once we got down. The cliffs covered in green growth and the multi-coloured pastel beach shacks were so picturesque. I loved this little beach, stony as it was. The walk down included little streams from the village at the top of the hill right down to the sea that were accompanied by planters full of beautiful flowers.

I miss the beach. I miss the smell of the salt air. I miss the sand in the bottom of your handbag. I miss the way the sea leaves my hair leaving so healthy and lovely. I miss collecting seashells. I miss not being able to set up a deck chair properly. I miss catching tiny crabs, shrimps and fish in rock pools. I miss the sound of the waves making their sleepy way to shore and then pulling themselves back out again as if they can't make their mind up about the dryness of the earth.
I understand that feeling.

I love flowers.

When I was little I would go and stay at my Nan's bungalow and if it was a sunny day we'd sit in the garden and she would always have a lovely arrange of flowers from roses to clematis to jasmine. Being brought up to respect and love nature it's only natural for me to have a love for flowers and gardens. Here's a little list and some pictures of my favourite flowers. Enjoy :)

Blue Moon Rose - they’re really rare and we used to have one that flowered only once a year, and every year my dad would prune it and bring it to my mum in a glass of water when it was at it’s most beautiful.

Tulip - especially mixed coloured ones and the black ones. The black ones aren't perfectly black but they're such a deep purple that it looks black and I think they're absolutely beautiful.

Lavender - again, smell great and are beautiful to contrast a garden or bouquet

Freesia - they smell so nice!

Snowdrop - so nice to spot out walking.

Bluebell - I love how cute and beautifully they carpet forest floors

Iris - cute blue and white ones, I got these in my first ever bouquet of flowers and have fallen in love with them since.


Lauren x

I drink tea a lot.

When I wake up. When I have crumpets. When I’m reading a book. When I’m watching television. When I’m listening to music. When I’m getting ready for work. When I leave for work and I have to gulp down my cup because I forgot I had to actually leave my house to get to work. When I get to work. Before my shift starts. On my break. When I finish work. When I get home. When I have my dinner. When I watch a film on Netflix. When I’m about to go to bed. When I’m with my Mum. When I’m with my Nan. When I’m with Tish. When I’m with Louise. Whenever I feel like it.

When is your favourite time to drink tea? Or like me, do you drink it whenever you like and love it all the same? i think tea is my favourite drink ever. I love tea. The key to my heart is tea, so now you know feel free to try and make me fall in love with you by sending me lots of Twining's English Breakfast and Chai.

Lauren x

Mitch.

Mitch was a man that once drove an old VW Beetle with wooden doors and roll down windows. He had crazy grey hair and glasses that made his eyes look really big. He was always a tall man to me, not only because I knew him since I was very young and everyone is big when you’re little, but because he was very intelligent. He used to give talks at universities and he knew so much about anything you sprung on him and he travelled the world and could amaze you with facts about plants. He said “man" a lot and just felt like an uncle to me.

When I found out that Mitch has passed away, I didn't know how to react. He was ill for a while but I guess we just saw him as one of those people who get ill but recover and start again. I guess this time it just got too much. We don’t know how he died or where he was, but I’m in shock because he was such a fighter with a passion for life.

I see him everywhere. I know it sounds strange but I see him in people all the time. His laugh, his enthusiasm, his constant buzz. He made his mark on the world by bringing so much happiness into my family's lives.

I miss him a lot, and he’s certainly missed in the Fidler household.

RIP Mitch.
I hope you're keepin' it real, man.

Lauren x