Tick tock.

I wish I could find something that sends me to sleep like listening to music or watching films used to do. It's 06:28 and I haven't slept yet. I stopped breathing a few times in my sleep two nights ago and it really scared me. I have so much going on in my mind that I can't switch off. If you have any ideas on what will help me sleep, please comment. I could do with a fresh perspective.

Lauren x

I went a bit mental and wrote some stuff.

Hello to anyone who actually reads this. I don't mind if you don't like it. I would like it if you did, hopefully I can grip at least one persons attention. Okay so it's 03:27am. I'm in Cambridge UK living in halls at Anglia Ruskin. (please don't come and kill me or something, I hope my readers are nice!) I'm wide awake and I have too many things that I'd like to admit going through my mind right now. I'm gonna just write and write until I feel better, fall asleep or give up trying to sort my problems out by writing to anonymous readers across the globe. I guess you can say that I'm just writing to distract me from the shit in my head. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm talking shit. (I think this is probably most likely definitely maybe the case). 

It's 03:31 now. I've got an assignment due in a week. I don't even know what question I'm going to do for it yet and it's stressing me out. It's my least favourite module (Western Civilisation) and it's only just becoming interesting for me now we're touching on religion; we're learning about Christianity, Islam and Judaism now. I've had three graded assignments so far. One was a 7-10 minute presentation of the use of classical and biblical allusion in John Milton's Paradise Lost. The second, a 1500 word reflective essay on my experiences of English Literature and my understanding of certain literary terms. The third was another 1500 word essay but this time on Ancient Philosophy, specifically the Pre-Socratics and why they were deemed the first philosophers. There's the official stuff. I got 66% in my first assignment and don't know what I got in the second or third yet. But I'm really liking the motivation I get about two days before the deadline to do the work. It's cracking. Now to work on getting that ALWAYS. Wishful thinking.

03:39 and my mouth is dry. I bought some double strength Tesco's own label juice, two for like £1.50 I think. It's tasty; summer fruits flavour. There's been some great times at uni and some shit times. I'll touch on both here. First of all, I love my little fourth floor group and my course group. It feels so nice to feel like part of something. I've joined the Feminist Society and the Harry potter society. I've not actually been to any of the socials but what I HAVE done I'd like to think kinda makes up for it in a way. A week ago I spent around 3 and a half hours in the blistering cold getting people to email the council to support a proposal to get more efficient lighting for Parker's Piece. (FOOTBALL FANS, GOOGLE PARKER'S PIECE, IT'S COOL AND STUFF.) We stood and watched the park become darker and darker as the night drew in and we still stood passing on the message that there is the possibility of getting safer lighting for our community. We were in the newspaper and everything. Claim to fame - I'm in the newspaper for being a feminist and that's fucking awesome. Sammi, our Soc Leader and all round awesome gal, was the one who organised the demo and got us all out to support the cause and she's such a sound lass. We're really lucky to have her, not only as a society but as a university. This leads to my second good thing. I GOT A POLICY PASSED FOR UNIVERSITY AT STUDENT COUNCIL. I'm proper chuffed. I basically proposed that we get some of our lectures recorded and put on the VLE as a sound file. PURELY for reference. The attendance to these recorded lectures will be recorded and and monitored. If there's suddenly a drop and there's direct correlation between the recording and drop in attendance, they'll be taken away and only when attendance reaches a certain percentage will they be given back. I put it forward at a Student Council meeting and 46 out of 82 voters voted yes. I'm super chuffed. So that's my first two marks on Cambridge.

I am a little bit of a sad bean. My Nan has to have some sort of operation on her hip because she's got a lump there. She's 76 on Sunday and I'm not at home to see her. My Mama is unwell with her fibro as she's having a flare at the minute. My friend also tried to commit suicide. Everyone has shit going on in their lives that makes them sometimes lose control and I'm so sorry that it happened to my friend. Thankfully my friend wasn't successful in their attempts to take their own life and I still have my amazing, funny, cocky arse of a friend here still to annoy me and watch Disney films on demand with.

Just wanted to give a quick message to anyone who might be feeling suicidal: please, talk to someone before you make any decisions. Life can be an absolute pile of horseshit and you might want it to just be over and go away but life can be so amazing and you can only see that if you're alive to witness it. There is ALWAYS someone to talk to. Be proud of the person you are and the achievements you have gained in life. no matter how minute they may seem. Get out of bed this morning? Achievement. Eat breakfast? Achievement. Get out of bed to have a healthy breakfast and exercise? Triple achievement. You go team. It doesn't matter if someone else is wearing the same top as you but three sizes smaller: YOU ARE ROCKIN IT. It doesn't matter that the girl you loved is with another person now because you've broken up. THEIR LOSS, YOU ROCK THAT SINGLE LIFESTYLE. In a relationship and loving it? YOU ROCK THAT RELATIONSHIP. Have confidence in yourself. It's hard to do but once you stop caring about others and start loving yourself, you'll care less about what others think and just rock what YOU think. Rock. That. Confidence.

Basically, love yourself and everything that you are. Even that evil side of you that laugh deep inside when you see someone fall over in public. In the words of J.Cole (so inspirational, I know) "Love yourself, girl, or nobody will". LOVE STARTS WITH YOU. You. I'm aware that it's now 04:09 so as this has got battier I'm sure you can imagine why.

I went into work for halloween and carved the coolest pumpkins I have ever carved in my life I was so proud. I dressed up as Where's Wally today (15/11/2013) for Children In Need. That was fun. I got burned today but I'll be alright. Here's hoping to a happy next year.

Lauren x

Comfrot.

Thing's that comfort me at uni:

- baking
- my neighbours snoring
- seeing a cat on the street (though this is really rare where I live so I have to walk a funny way to work to see it)
- christmas films
- birdsong
- the sound of a kettle boiling
- when someone plays a song that my mum likes and sometimes sings if she's having a good day or if she's with me
- hearing people put plates/cutlery in the sink
- when my Mum misspells things in a text, it reminds me of how much she makes me smile, hence the title of this post.

All these things remind me of home. The kitchen is right below my room so I hear whenever the kettle boils, or a drawer is closed or a cupboard or if something is put in the sink. Sometimes I'll be awake long enough to see the sky get blue and to hear the birds start singing and that moment reminds me of home and f happy times. That moment reminds me of leaving for holiday or for Christmas and birthday mornings. It reminds me of that warm feeling you get when you truly enjoy the company of the people you're with. Christmas films also give me that same feeling and I always bake something at Christmas with my Mum and my nephews and we'd sing in the kitchen while we did that. I miss all these things and know that I wont get to do them this year, or the next two years for that matter, but I'll be able to spend Christmas Day with them, and to me that's all that matters.

I know it's early, but I hope you all have a really lovely Christmas and I hope it's perfect for you all and brings you comfort (and joy).

Lauren x