Sometimes I ask too many questions,
sometimes I don't ask enough.
Sometimes I wish I knew more about people and sometimes I wish I knew less.
Sometimes I wish you could know what the whispers of others say, but
sometimes, I wish I could close my ears forever.
Sometimes I get goosebumps from the talent of a young voice and
sometimes I get goosebumps when I think about that night.
Sometimes I think about you and my heart aches,
sometimes my heart aches and then I think of you.
Sometimes I lay in bed and wish to see the stars above me, but
sometimes the stars make me feel tiny, insignificant.
Sometimes I'm alone.
Sometimes I'm alone.
Sometimes you are here, but I am alone.
Sometimes a half,
sometimes a whole.
Sometimes at night and
sometimes in day, but
always, I feel you with me;
always you are gone;
always you are missing,
always you are found.
(Something I wrote today when I was feeling down.)
Lauren x
Thursday, 16 January 2014
I ain't too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes about it.
Sometimes you can experience something really horrible and it stays with you for a little while, it might leave you with a scar, but one that becomes hidden by ageing over time. Some things stay with you forever like a mark that will never go away, under your clothes where no one but you can see. I'm working on the ageing part, but for now, the scars are still there, the things that happened are still in my heart and the pain is as real as yesterday when you are triggered. I won't let these scars stop me from looking in the mirror at my body. one day I will accept them and I can be happier. I'm trying.
Lauren x
Lauren x
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Goodbyes.
Goodbyes are something that a lot of people hate, some people can't stand them so they never do them. Some people find goodbyes romantic and dream of that special day where they'll wave off their loved one on a steam train, waving a polka dot hankie and shouting 'I love you' after them. Goodbyes are a funny thing. You're saying goodbye to someone as if it'll be forever when most of the time you know it wont be, it may even be for a few hours or a day. Some people have to say goodbye forever and that's when goodbyes are heart wrenching. To know your last moments with someone have passed forever and you'll never get to redo them, have a second chance.
In the films and in tv shows they often get to have a big romantic goodbye, or they end up back together or they get to share their last living moments with the people they love. In real life it's not like that. It's like a break up from a relationship that you don't see coming; you never get to go back to their room and just look. Feel their pillow, sit on their bed, feel the floor beneath you. You don't get to go back and fall asleep in that room and open your eyes and see the way the light is coming through the crack in the curtains, bouncing off the mirror and lighting up the room. You don't get to do that. You don't get to go to their family and say goodbye, thanks for having me in your lives for a bit. Goodbyes are sad most of the time.
Goodbyes can be sad but well planned though. Maybe someone is dying and you are with them in their last moments. You get to kiss their skin, brush their cheek, see them smile one last time, say I love you. You get to do that and goodbyes like that are, although extremely painful, a gift. You get a step closer to closure, you get to utter anything you need to before you chance is up. Goodbyes like this are often the ones you see in films and are rare, but rare like winning the lottery the first time you ever play, not rare like dying from swallowing chewing gum once when you were eight. Greater of two goodbyes.
I like to think that I'm good with goodbyes, for others anyway. I rarely cry when in the presence of the person I'm leaving, but once they've left and I know I wont see them again for a long time, then that's when you question the good in goodbye. Goodbye, meaning safe home, good journey, see you soon, good day. But it feels like 'good to see you go'. Take every goodbye as a chance to tell someone you love them, or like their jacket, or that they look lovely. Leave goodbye's knowing you've put the good in it.
Lauren x
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Sometimes I think about when I'll spawn miniature versions of myself.
Hats off to those of you who have kids young, hats off to you who don't have kids at all, hats off to those of you who who love and cherish your children.
Lauren x
Saturday, 4 January 2014
Thoughts are crumbs that fall down your top, get stuck in your bra and are forgotten about until let loose when you get undressed for bed.
A heartfelt happy new year to anyone who reads this.
I'm not a big believer in coincidences, I like to think that fate brings things together for us, and the power behind fate? Nature. It's just nature taking it's course. I read somewhere online (if you know who it was please let me know so I can credit it!) that soul mates are when the earth was created and atoms divide and that atom becomes you, the nearest atom to you is your soul mate. I'm really not doing it justice but i thought it was beautiful. I like to think everyone has a soul mate, but not in the sense that they are a romantic person to you. I think people can find their soul mate in a best friend, a sister or brother and of course in a partner. it's little things like this that I like to think about sometimes when I'm in my room by myself and have thoughts running through my head that I'd like to get rid of.
I ask myself questions like 'where do trains go at night?' or 'do bald people use shampoo' and of course 'who or what decides what way up rolos go in the packet?' The important questions, y'know. I had a thought a minute ago about how I've felt being home from uni for the Christmas break. It's been really odd and I have only felt comfortably at home in my room and I've only found motivation for doing work when in my bedroom. It made me think of Cast Away. When Chuck is rescued from the ocean and brought back to land and civilisation and his wife, he goes to bed but can't sleep on the bed, he sleeps on the floor like he would have done on the island. That's how I feel being home. I've been at uni in my tiny little halls room for the last three months and coming home to a big house and a big bed, I've found myself curling up in bed at night against the wall, feeling stimulated to do work only in my room and nowhere else in the house and I've only felt hungry when I'm in my room which is also really weird. Maybe it's just my body trying to get back to normal. which is a shame because I go back for a week tomorrow to hand in assignments (the joy).
Anyway, i just wanted to share these little thoughts with you. I hope that you can find somewhere that's home. Home is where you leave and people notice your absence. I'm home. Home is also Cambridge. Home was at my work at Northampton Cineworld because people told me all the time when i left that they missed me and it felt different without me there (I'm not trying to big myself up here, it genuinely happened and I did a bit of a cry because of it). But now I can't go back because of lack of job space, apparently. So I miss my CineFamily from Northampton, but I miss my CineFamily from Cambridge now that I'm home.
Most of all, from Cambridge, I miss my philosophers. My little group of nerds, my favourite people in my Cambridge world. Kayleigh, Ricky, Kristie, Ronan, Ben and Dave. My little group of amazing people. Kayleigh is one of the coolest people I've ever met; she works at Game, plays all kinds of cool games (incl. LoL, WoW, Warhammer, knack etc...) and loves Adventure Time and has super long brown hair and is super pretty and funny and caring and lovely and I love her. How do I explain Ricky/ Ricky is like a mix between the big brother I've always wanted and the person you want your daughter to bring home (if you want kids/have a daughter). He's witty, hilarious, charming, interesting and just such a lovely guy. Kristie is awesome. She's such a chatterbox and i love being around her because she's always so happy and bubbly and she's hilarious when she's angry. We have the same pet peeves and we joke about them together to ease the anger we have for it, which is nice (and can be super comical over a few cocktails). Ronan is one of the most interesting people I know. I feel like I don't know enough about him and I want to know everything. He's a teacher in Cambridge and he teaches English to French students which I think is amazing. He's our go-to guy for ale/beer advice and he's like a sponge of knowledge. It's like every subject we talk about he has something really interesting and insightful to say about it and I always feel like my IQ has gone up every time I'm with him. I haven't really spent too much time with Ben because he only does Philosophy whereas me and the others (excl. Dave) all do English Literature as well. But the times I've spent with Ben are always funny. He's got a proper strong accent and comes out with the funniest things in mid-conversation that make my belly hurt sometimes with laughter. He's a sound guy and nice as pie, a really good laugh and I wish he spent more time with us. Last but not least is Dave, also known as Dentistry Dave and Diogenes Dave. We wont get into that. Dave's really smart and speaks his mind when he disagrees with something or thinks something needs to be said and I really respect him for that. He's fun to be around because he's such an oddball, but in a really good way. He adds character to our group (as if we needed any more?!) but he's like the cherry on top. Our debates in the pub over cocktails/beer/burgers are always heated but they're always mentally stimulating and funny and interesting. Dave's the kind of guy you can be friends with for your whole life because he's such an interesting person.
I just thought I'd let you all know. I haven't done much justice to the description of my nearest and dearest from Cambridge but if you met them I'm sure you'd feel the same way.
I hope that for all of you who believe that the new year is a new start, that you get what you want and hope for out of 2014 but remembers, it's what you put in that equals what comes out.
Lauren x
I'm not a big believer in coincidences, I like to think that fate brings things together for us, and the power behind fate? Nature. It's just nature taking it's course. I read somewhere online (if you know who it was please let me know so I can credit it!) that soul mates are when the earth was created and atoms divide and that atom becomes you, the nearest atom to you is your soul mate. I'm really not doing it justice but i thought it was beautiful. I like to think everyone has a soul mate, but not in the sense that they are a romantic person to you. I think people can find their soul mate in a best friend, a sister or brother and of course in a partner. it's little things like this that I like to think about sometimes when I'm in my room by myself and have thoughts running through my head that I'd like to get rid of.
I ask myself questions like 'where do trains go at night?' or 'do bald people use shampoo' and of course 'who or what decides what way up rolos go in the packet?' The important questions, y'know. I had a thought a minute ago about how I've felt being home from uni for the Christmas break. It's been really odd and I have only felt comfortably at home in my room and I've only found motivation for doing work when in my bedroom. It made me think of Cast Away. When Chuck is rescued from the ocean and brought back to land and civilisation and his wife, he goes to bed but can't sleep on the bed, he sleeps on the floor like he would have done on the island. That's how I feel being home. I've been at uni in my tiny little halls room for the last three months and coming home to a big house and a big bed, I've found myself curling up in bed at night against the wall, feeling stimulated to do work only in my room and nowhere else in the house and I've only felt hungry when I'm in my room which is also really weird. Maybe it's just my body trying to get back to normal. which is a shame because I go back for a week tomorrow to hand in assignments (the joy).
Anyway, i just wanted to share these little thoughts with you. I hope that you can find somewhere that's home. Home is where you leave and people notice your absence. I'm home. Home is also Cambridge. Home was at my work at Northampton Cineworld because people told me all the time when i left that they missed me and it felt different without me there (I'm not trying to big myself up here, it genuinely happened and I did a bit of a cry because of it). But now I can't go back because of lack of job space, apparently. So I miss my CineFamily from Northampton, but I miss my CineFamily from Cambridge now that I'm home.
Most of all, from Cambridge, I miss my philosophers. My little group of nerds, my favourite people in my Cambridge world. Kayleigh, Ricky, Kristie, Ronan, Ben and Dave. My little group of amazing people. Kayleigh is one of the coolest people I've ever met; she works at Game, plays all kinds of cool games (incl. LoL, WoW, Warhammer, knack etc...) and loves Adventure Time and has super long brown hair and is super pretty and funny and caring and lovely and I love her. How do I explain Ricky/ Ricky is like a mix between the big brother I've always wanted and the person you want your daughter to bring home (if you want kids/have a daughter). He's witty, hilarious, charming, interesting and just such a lovely guy. Kristie is awesome. She's such a chatterbox and i love being around her because she's always so happy and bubbly and she's hilarious when she's angry. We have the same pet peeves and we joke about them together to ease the anger we have for it, which is nice (and can be super comical over a few cocktails). Ronan is one of the most interesting people I know. I feel like I don't know enough about him and I want to know everything. He's a teacher in Cambridge and he teaches English to French students which I think is amazing. He's our go-to guy for ale/beer advice and he's like a sponge of knowledge. It's like every subject we talk about he has something really interesting and insightful to say about it and I always feel like my IQ has gone up every time I'm with him. I haven't really spent too much time with Ben because he only does Philosophy whereas me and the others (excl. Dave) all do English Literature as well. But the times I've spent with Ben are always funny. He's got a proper strong accent and comes out with the funniest things in mid-conversation that make my belly hurt sometimes with laughter. He's a sound guy and nice as pie, a really good laugh and I wish he spent more time with us. Last but not least is Dave, also known as Dentistry Dave and Diogenes Dave. We wont get into that. Dave's really smart and speaks his mind when he disagrees with something or thinks something needs to be said and I really respect him for that. He's fun to be around because he's such an oddball, but in a really good way. He adds character to our group (as if we needed any more?!) but he's like the cherry on top. Our debates in the pub over cocktails/beer/burgers are always heated but they're always mentally stimulating and funny and interesting. Dave's the kind of guy you can be friends with for your whole life because he's such an interesting person.
I just thought I'd let you all know. I haven't done much justice to the description of my nearest and dearest from Cambridge but if you met them I'm sure you'd feel the same way.
I hope that for all of you who believe that the new year is a new start, that you get what you want and hope for out of 2014 but remembers, it's what you put in that equals what comes out.
Lauren x
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