Smiling faces looking at me,
My angels looking after me.
One by one they fly away,
But I know they'll come again someday.
I turn around, I'm in a new place,
Grassy fields, full of grace.
Falling down, I see a smile,
I feel like I have fallen a mile.
I see my angels; one, two, three,
I knew they would come to catch me.
I wrote this in year 9 when I was 14(ish?!) for English Literature. It's nothing special, but it reminds me of home.
Lauren x
Friday, 25 October 2013
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Finally.
Exhaustion is the only way she could describe her feelings right now. She missed home. Work had been long and tiring. There had been a thunderstorm before she finished work and she'd always hated them from when she was younger; her Mum used to sit with her in the living room and they would watch the garden light up like daytime as the lightening struck and she could still remember to this day the way she grabbed her Mum in fright so quickly and hard that she left a bruise. She never forgot that because she hated the fact she left a mark on the woman who gave her life and though she had olive skin you could see the mark for what felt like weeks and weeks. She was digressing, she needed to get up and go home. She wanted to pass out right there on the floor next to her locker but she knew she had to leave, She had to call her Mum who was waiting to hear from her. She grabbed at something from deep down inside of her and found the will to stand up, even though her entire body seemed to be fighting against it.
It was still raining as She descended the escalator but it didn't take long for the dread to leave her as once she was outside she revelled in the warm droplets that kissed her cheeks and eyelids. She took a deep breath and told herself she would get a taxi home because it was dark. She walked a little while across the bridge and almost got hit by a rogue cyclist on the path. She remembered when He had once told off a cyclist that rang his bell at them as they walked down the street. She smiled as she remembered how He apologised to her for showing that side of him. She didn't mind. Better to see it this way than later unknowingly. She got to the point where she had decided to get a taxi but as the rain came down and made small lakes at her feet she realised just how much she loved to walk in the ran. It was easy. It felt right. It reminded her of home. So instead of pulling out her phone and calling a cab, she plundered on and relished in the fresh sense of relief that the downfall gave her.
She was wearing completely the wrong shoes for this weather: open toed dolly shoes with moon and star shaped holes in. Perfect. Her toes were completely drenched but she just stuck on some music and carried on. She looked around at all the people who were trying their best to avoid getting wet and hurrying to get inside but she was in no rush. She had nowhere to go that night so she didn't mind that she was getting her hair wet, in fact it made it smell amazing because it brought out the henna that she had applied only a couple of weeks before. The walk was relatively simple in terms of the route she had to take; straight down the main road, turn right at the end and straight down to home. It was an obstacle course of umbrella-dodging and puddle avoiding but she loved the mutual look of understanding when she walked past a fellow rain-walker with nothing to cover their heads but the hair that grew there. She reached a pedestrian crossing and pressed the button and waited for the green man. Many people came and went beside her and they dashed across the road between cars and bicycles, but she waited patiently for the green man, as she had already told herself, she was in no rush. She waited for a solid 3 minutes before the red man turned green and she crossed with a self-satisfied smile on her face as she passed the couple of smokers who had been watching her wait at the island in the middle of the road to cross, probably asking each other why she doesn't just cross as there were no cars or bikes at certain points, she could have easily crossed and been on her way by the time the green man had came to life. A pub to her right had a band playing and through misted windows she could see that it was a charity gig to raise money for Oxfam. She thought of home again. She remembered being 14 and going to a charity gig for the same cause and how she found one of her favourite artists there.
The corner where she would turn right down towards home was approaching and she stopped and took in the Church in all it's glory; lit up with floodlights and the clock showing everyone it's time. She stopped because it was just turning the hour of 10pm and she listened for the ten chimes before moving on. There was something about church bells that made her insides curl up in a frenzy of excitement, a feeling that she also got when she saw kittens and babies. Eight, nine ten...the chimes ceased. The road she was stumbling along was more like a shallow river now the rain was beating down on the cars as if to tell them to stop. The road was no longer a black and white canvas but an array of red, yellows and greens where various headlights and traffic lights reflected like a mirror on the surface the way a sunset leaves flames across the ocean. Not far now. She was almost home.
In a way, she didn't want it to end. She almost called Him and asked if He wanted to go for a walk in the rain, but she remembered He didn't want to get wet that day so She decided to leave Him be. She reached her building and took out her key to get inside. She fumbled with the key trying to get it in the lock; she hadn't realised just how cold she was until she could feel the warm glow of the heater through the door. She finally managed to turn the lock and stepped into the furnace that was her corridor. Her room wasn't until a couple floors up so she closed the front door and took up the two flights of stairs to her home. Dripping wet she unlocked the second door to her place of safety and felt a rush of warmth flow through her body. It wasn't the heater, it wasn't the cosy bed that awaited her, it was one word that meant that she couldn't sleep spread eagled that night, one word that meant she'd have to actually brush her hair in the morning, one word that meant that she'd have to actually put her clothes in the washing basket instead of the floor for the morning. "Finally". She wouldn't mind all of that for a second; He was there.
Lauren x
It was still raining as She descended the escalator but it didn't take long for the dread to leave her as once she was outside she revelled in the warm droplets that kissed her cheeks and eyelids. She took a deep breath and told herself she would get a taxi home because it was dark. She walked a little while across the bridge and almost got hit by a rogue cyclist on the path. She remembered when He had once told off a cyclist that rang his bell at them as they walked down the street. She smiled as she remembered how He apologised to her for showing that side of him. She didn't mind. Better to see it this way than later unknowingly. She got to the point where she had decided to get a taxi but as the rain came down and made small lakes at her feet she realised just how much she loved to walk in the ran. It was easy. It felt right. It reminded her of home. So instead of pulling out her phone and calling a cab, she plundered on and relished in the fresh sense of relief that the downfall gave her.
She was wearing completely the wrong shoes for this weather: open toed dolly shoes with moon and star shaped holes in. Perfect. Her toes were completely drenched but she just stuck on some music and carried on. She looked around at all the people who were trying their best to avoid getting wet and hurrying to get inside but she was in no rush. She had nowhere to go that night so she didn't mind that she was getting her hair wet, in fact it made it smell amazing because it brought out the henna that she had applied only a couple of weeks before. The walk was relatively simple in terms of the route she had to take; straight down the main road, turn right at the end and straight down to home. It was an obstacle course of umbrella-dodging and puddle avoiding but she loved the mutual look of understanding when she walked past a fellow rain-walker with nothing to cover their heads but the hair that grew there. She reached a pedestrian crossing and pressed the button and waited for the green man. Many people came and went beside her and they dashed across the road between cars and bicycles, but she waited patiently for the green man, as she had already told herself, she was in no rush. She waited for a solid 3 minutes before the red man turned green and she crossed with a self-satisfied smile on her face as she passed the couple of smokers who had been watching her wait at the island in the middle of the road to cross, probably asking each other why she doesn't just cross as there were no cars or bikes at certain points, she could have easily crossed and been on her way by the time the green man had came to life. A pub to her right had a band playing and through misted windows she could see that it was a charity gig to raise money for Oxfam. She thought of home again. She remembered being 14 and going to a charity gig for the same cause and how she found one of her favourite artists there.
The corner where she would turn right down towards home was approaching and she stopped and took in the Church in all it's glory; lit up with floodlights and the clock showing everyone it's time. She stopped because it was just turning the hour of 10pm and she listened for the ten chimes before moving on. There was something about church bells that made her insides curl up in a frenzy of excitement, a feeling that she also got when she saw kittens and babies. Eight, nine ten...the chimes ceased. The road she was stumbling along was more like a shallow river now the rain was beating down on the cars as if to tell them to stop. The road was no longer a black and white canvas but an array of red, yellows and greens where various headlights and traffic lights reflected like a mirror on the surface the way a sunset leaves flames across the ocean. Not far now. She was almost home.
In a way, she didn't want it to end. She almost called Him and asked if He wanted to go for a walk in the rain, but she remembered He didn't want to get wet that day so She decided to leave Him be. She reached her building and took out her key to get inside. She fumbled with the key trying to get it in the lock; she hadn't realised just how cold she was until she could feel the warm glow of the heater through the door. She finally managed to turn the lock and stepped into the furnace that was her corridor. Her room wasn't until a couple floors up so she closed the front door and took up the two flights of stairs to her home. Dripping wet she unlocked the second door to her place of safety and felt a rush of warmth flow through her body. It wasn't the heater, it wasn't the cosy bed that awaited her, it was one word that meant that she couldn't sleep spread eagled that night, one word that meant she'd have to actually brush her hair in the morning, one word that meant that she'd have to actually put her clothes in the washing basket instead of the floor for the morning. "Finally". She wouldn't mind all of that for a second; He was there.
Lauren x
Saturday, 19 October 2013
I'm walkin' down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinkin' 'bout is you.
4 weeks. One month. That's how long I've been away from home. For the first time in my life I've been living in a completely new city, with a bunch of strangers and no family to go to for a hug. I've met some really lovely people in the two weeks that I've been here and honestly, I'm so relieved. I thought that when I came here I'd end up being that loner that never went out, never made friends and just went along to lectures and seminars and did nothing else. I come across as really confident but I'm actually so stupidly shy and anxious about anything social that I was worried I'd just not hack it but the people I've met have been so open and welcoming and I'm so thankful for them. The fourth floor kitchen group, Charlie, Jess, Jake, Hamza, my Philosophy and English group and my new work friends (work frieeeend, friend!); you're all absolute babes.
*only in a failed Russian accent
University life is pretty much exactly how I expected it to be, but with a year of contemplating and waiting for it to come around I guess that was gonna happen anyway. Now that I'm here it feels like home. My little room feels cosy with all my blankets, cushions and photographs. My kitchen is pants but hey, I wasn't expecting miracles. It's been hard to not be able to go to my Mum for a cuddle when I'm feeling down, especially when I have a particularly bad dep. day. Depression is bullshit and it pisses me off that I can just feel down for what feels like no reason? I'm getting there. I've found solace in a friend from down the hall; we spent around 2 hours sliding my ID card across the kitchen table then laying on the chairs and talking crap. But it was so nice to have that alone time with someone nice, you know? (We also spent around 2 hours pinging one of those plastic pizza table things across the kitchen table the other day too, we're mature people, honestly). Also, Charlie from 3rd floor is pretty cool, but don't tell him I said that. We have this love/hate thing where we know we hate each other and we love it. He's an arsehole. I'm a vagina*. We were made to be friends ahahah! (friend, halls friend).
*only in a failed Russian accent
It's strange not being able to sing my heart out in my room or in the shower. Not being able to just burst into song wherever I am at 'home'. I've kinda had a couple nights where I've ended up singing, but not loudly (I hope). I've spoken to my mum everyday I've been here and she told me that the thing she misses most about me being at home is my singing, she said that home is really quiet and she keeps thinking I'm gonna start playing music from my room or start singing in the shower. I've got a relatively quiet corridor that I live down in halls so I guess I don't feel so bad about making some noise because I think everyone's probably feeling the same way about making noise; they all want to but are a bit wary of it.
Sometimes I feel really lonely. I feel so alone and so scared that I just burst into tears, luckily I'm always in my room and it's always at night that I feel this way but it happens nevertheless and it's horrible. i guess this is where I link this back to the title of the post. 'I'm walkin' down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinkin' 'bout is you.' is lyrics from a song by Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves and it's beautiful. Listen to it here. The other night was nice because I had a shift at work (oh I got the supervisor job, yay!) and then Jake was bored as was I so we went down to my kitchen for a bit(hours...) and just chilled. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I've spent a lot of time with Charlie the last week or so, it's been nice to be able to have someone to chill with...(his love for Disney movies helps, too).
I miss things from home and it's strange what they are. I miss getting on the bus. I miss Abington park. I miss familiarity of being able to say "oh remember when we were there...". I know that in time I'll have that here in Cambridge but for now everywhere's new and I just want to explore. I miss my cats. I miss baths. I miss the people from work. I miss the little flowers that grow on the field next to my house. I miss seeing people I know and being able to say hello how's your mother.
I just want it to be freezing cold and I want it to be leafy everywhere and orangey-brown and misty and autumny. I want to have to wear a hat and scarf and I want to have to wear a coat and boots. I can't wait to see Cambridge in all it's wintery glamour. I feel so happy when it's autumn and I just need that now, I need Autumn to happen. Bring on winter, I'm so ready for you.
Yours waiting and writing daily, even if it's not shown,
Lauren x
Yours waiting and writing daily, even if it's not shown,
Lauren x
Maybe two, is better than one.
My life is one, but my life is in you, that's two,
My breath is one, but it takes two to kiss you, and my breath is yours when we embrace, that's two, or one? Who's breath lies in the warmth between our lips. Ours; made of two.
One glance, I see brown hair, stubble, clothes. Second glance, I see You.
I see You looking across the room at what seems like nothing. What do you see there? I see etches but I can't make them out. Two glances is what it took to make me want a hundredth.
If only I could see you for the first time again, what would I see now?
I don't know if You're there anymore, but if You are;
give me a sign; give me two.
give me a vision; give it twice.
give me something fast; double time.
Give in or give up.
I see You looking across the room at what seems like nothing. What do you see there? I see etches but I can't make them out. Two glances is what it took to make me want a hundredth.
If only I could see you for the first time again, what would I see now?
I don't know if You're there anymore, but if You are;
give me a sign; give me two.
give me a vision; give it twice.
give me something fast; double time.
Give in or give up.
Where's my banjo?
Only my best friend will laugh sincerely when I say this. Only one person n the whole wide world will instantly understand the connection between us and be like "oh my god that was hilarious, I love you!!!" This one person has been like a sister to me for approximately ten years now and I want to celebrate this ten year anniversary with her with a dedication to one of the most strong and beautiful women I know: Louise Ellen Duneclift.
We first met when she was having a screaming match with a girl I knew and her mum in the street. Classy bird. But from then on I fell in love with her as she was new to the area and absolutely hilarious. She had a really cute kind of off-Welsh accent but that seems to have gone no, but I love her the same. She was taller than me and had brown hair and the most amazing hazel green eyes I'd ever seen. She really is absolutely beautiful. We went to the same school; she was two years above me. She lived in my street with her family and two dogs. That's the little information.
Louise has been there for me through thick and thin. People say that a lot but a lot has happened in my life that I've needed a shoulder to cry on or a hug to absolutely wail into. She's been there through the two hardest times in my life so far and I can't thank her enough for that. We've shared some amazing memories and I'll never forget them. I love her to pieces and now that we're not living down the road from each other it feels strange that we can't just say 'oh hey wanna meet up in town?' or 'hey wanna see a film?'. We didn't really do that MUCH at home anyway but we had the option, it was there as an availability. I miss her and I can't wait to see her, even though I know EXACTLY what she'll say..."OH YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT US LITTLE NORTHAMPTON LOT NOW YOU HAVE YOUR UNI FRIENDS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE" and she's a bloody muppet for even thinking that.
Love you Lou,
Lauren x
We first met when she was having a screaming match with a girl I knew and her mum in the street. Classy bird. But from then on I fell in love with her as she was new to the area and absolutely hilarious. She had a really cute kind of off-Welsh accent but that seems to have gone no, but I love her the same. She was taller than me and had brown hair and the most amazing hazel green eyes I'd ever seen. She really is absolutely beautiful. We went to the same school; she was two years above me. She lived in my street with her family and two dogs. That's the little information.
Louise has been there for me through thick and thin. People say that a lot but a lot has happened in my life that I've needed a shoulder to cry on or a hug to absolutely wail into. She's been there through the two hardest times in my life so far and I can't thank her enough for that. We've shared some amazing memories and I'll never forget them. I love her to pieces and now that we're not living down the road from each other it feels strange that we can't just say 'oh hey wanna meet up in town?' or 'hey wanna see a film?'. We didn't really do that MUCH at home anyway but we had the option, it was there as an availability. I miss her and I can't wait to see her, even though I know EXACTLY what she'll say..."OH YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT US LITTLE NORTHAMPTON LOT NOW YOU HAVE YOUR UNI FRIENDS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE" and she's a bloody muppet for even thinking that.
Love you Lou,
Lauren x
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