Fibromyalgia.

A lot of people ask me what it is, what happens because of it and will it ever get better and just so you can all learn a bit about it.

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. YOU ARE IMAGINING THIS PAIN. YOU ARE NOT ILL. NOPE. NOT AT ALL. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT OF YOU IS ILL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTAL DISORDER COUNSELLING FOR YOUR DELUSIONS.

This is the response my mum was met with when she was undergoing investigations about her illness. Why was she constantly in pain? Why did she ache all day and all night in places she didn't know could ache so bad? Why couldn't she sleep?

My mum has fibromyalgia and it's a chronic illness that causes the most painful muscle spasms, cramps, stabbing pains and fatigue, along with a massive list of other things I wouldn't want to scare you with. It usually goes hand in hand with other illnesses such as vertigo, depression and anxiety.

I did an interview with my mum about her illness if any of you want to take a look at first hand experience of fibromyalgia.

How long have you had fibromyalgia?

15 years ago I started having the symptoms and no one could figure out what was wrong with me and why the symptoms were so diverse; fibromyalgia wasn't recognised back then. It wasn't until 5 years ago that I went again with constant pain and was tested by the doctor and asked questions on my heath and I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, because it hadn't been treated and left for so long it was worse than it could have been had I received help before.

How does it limit your daily life?

It's taken away my choice to work because I can't remember things properly as fibro causes memory loss, what the fibro community calls 'fibro fog', and confusion as well as the pain simple tasks can cause. My social life was shot. Simple things such as washing your hair or painting your nails are limited and you have to do things on a good day. You can't plan ahead; you don't know what severity your pain is going to be each day along with the things that go with fibro such as depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and fatigue. It causes me great frustration because it limits what I can do with my day and having to rely on others and constantly ask for help makes you feel ashamed because you're no longer the person you were.  I can't leave the house by myself unless I'm having an extremely good day (once in a bloody blue moon) and some days I can't even get out of bed due to the pain in my body. When I do go out of the house I have to use a stability tool to help me and this varies on my waves of pain; fairly good days - walking stick, bad day - walker, very bad day - wheelchair. 

What can cause fibromyalgia?

It can be brought on by mental or body trauma; a physical accident from years before can cause the onsets of fibro but also emotional trauma. My fibro was accelerated by being put into an induced coma due of anaphylaxis and since then my body has never regained it's full potential. There is no cure for fibromyalgia. It's just trying to find the comfort and pain relief that works for you as every case is different and needs to be treated differently.

What is fibromyalgia for you?

It attacks every muscle in your body and every nerve ending causing extreme spasms and has been known to cause skin conditions such as the feeling of crawling skin and can increase sensitivity to chemical products. Your senses are affected where your ordinary smells that you can enjoy can suddenly make you feel ill like strong perfume or even the smell of your favourite food or certain washing products. I'm in constant pain, every minute of the day I'm feeling pain and if I seem like I'm not then it's just a lower amount of pain, it's constantly there. Fibromyalgia is like carrying ten full shopping bags in each hand up a hill and steps, that ache when you do that comes from menial tasks like loading a dishwasher.

What remedies are there for fibro?

I have to take morphine which causes me to be extremely sleepy and I have to take regular naps along with anti-sickness tablets because my morphine dose is so strong it makes me feel sick as a dog, particularly because I have other medication that I have to take that doesn't sit quite well with the morphine. As I'm aware there are two drugs that are prescribed to sufferers of fibro but I have never been offered them. Some holistic remedies work some people people, physical remedies help for others but I'm yet to find one which really helps, (a legal one anyway).

What would you say to anyone reading this who suffers or think they may suffer with fibro?

The most important thing to anyone who has fibro is having a family that understands you and your illness. many people are labelled as lazy due to other people's ignorance to it. Try not to let it get you down, you will have very dark days but there are always good days as well and make the most of those and they can be rare. If you think you might have fibro, go to your doctor and if you're not satisfied with that answer get a second opinion, ask to be referred to a rheumatologist. Don't wait ten years like I had to.

Any last words?

Take each day as it comes and don't punish yourself for not being well.

Lauren x

23

Twenty-three (and a bit) years ago two people met for the first time through a mutual friends house party. He had a beard. beer and a belly, she had lipstick, eyeliner and a perm. She sat on his lap and they got talking with the sound of Metallica, Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath playing in the background to accompany their romance. Soon enough they realised they were both awesome individuals and got together. The only thing was he lived in Witney and she in Northampton, so how would it work? He had a full time job in Witney, he couldn't just leave it? But they worked at it and worked it out and from the ashes a phoenix was born and a beautiful couple was formed. He would work Monday to Friday and then ride his motorbike from Witney up to Northampton every Friday night to spend the weekend with her and her daughter. When Sunday night came he had to leave and when he did she would listen to Sinead O'Connor 'Nothing Compares To You' and cry her eyes out. Eventually he managed to secure a job close to her and moved in. They got married on September 15th 1990 at St Andrew's Church in Billing and their wedding song was Solomon Kane 'She Wears My Ring'. Three years later they had their baby on their 3rd wedding anniversary. She was born with big blue eyes, rosebud lips and barely any hair. 20 years later their baby is flying the coop and they are still happily married and love each other more each day. Out of five couples who were together and all women were pregnant, only two of those couples remain together. Those two were this lady and man, and his sister and her husband. They kept and keep their vows and practise them every day. Through illness and health is probably the biggest vow that has been challenged and when it was and she was very very ill, he never wavered from her side.

As you may have guessed these two beautiful people are my parents. Patrick John Fidler and Joan Louise Fidler. I couldn't ask for two better role models when it comes to love, loyalty and relationships. They have shown me that true happiness is possible when you find the right person to share it with. So without further ado, I would like to wish a very Happy 23rd Wedding Anniversary to my parents, you guys are amazing and I love you unconditionally.


P.S, I found an awesome site through StumbleUpon (check that out by the way, it's awesome and will cure any Internet boredom ever). It was about true love and what true love is to children and I found it just incredibly cute, here's the link and enjoy.

Lauren x

Teenage years.

Tomorrow I'll be turning 20 and i was just recapping in my mind all my teenage years and how I'll never get them back, they're gone and that's a big part of my life out of the way now. Within the next decade I may have children and be married, how scary is that? So while I was thinking of my teenage years I tried to think of the most memorable thing I can think of from each age and it was scary how little I remember specifically about being a teenager. From the age 13-15 I don't remember much apart from the group of friends I had and what i was about. From the age 16-19 however are another story.

13-15.
When I was 13 I had my first 'proper' boyfriend. Awh. I remember being extremely self-conscious and even more self-doubting which went well with the 'emo/grunge/pretend-to-be-scene' look we were all going for.
When I was 14 I started to become an individual and not just part of a group. I knew who my friends were and i had a lot of them, but I knew who really counted. I was happy being 14. I had boyfriends 2 and 3 when I was 14. I stretched my ear and got my nose pierced at 14 and still have them now, and it's scary to think that tomorrow that'll be 6 years ago. Holey moley.
15 is a strange age to remember for me; it's like a transitional year because you're already a teenager but you've had  couple years practise at that and now you just wanna be 16 because it's one of those 'milestone' ages. I remember feeling 15 and being 15. Boyfriend 4 came in this year and I felt really grown up; little did i know that this was never going to go anywhere and I wish I knew that then how I do now because it would have saved a lot of time and tears. I liked being 15, it was fun to be 15 but the only downfall was people looked at you like you were still a young child when you were 15 but you felt really grown up. Now that I'm (almost) 20 I'm glad they did. Childhood is something you can't get back and I'm glad I got to have mine.

16-19.
Being 16 was my favourite time. My 16th birthday party was the most memorable thing from this age and people still talk about it now. i had a band that I was friends with playing in my garden and a shed loads of people at my house, I'm surprised they all fit to be honest. At 16 I met boyfriend 5 and he is still in my life. No one could have written how the next three years would have panned out but life is life and it has it's ways of making you stronger.
Being 17 is another transitional year and an extremely stressful, sad, happy, scary one. Being 17 is when my world got rocked and turned upside down and it has never been the same since. January of age 17 was one year in a relationship, my longest ever (still) relationship. It was also the year I took part in my first Race For life with three other lovely ladies and we raised a hell of a lot of money for Cancer Research UK in honour of someone so dear to us.
The year you 'become an adult'. 18 years old never made sense to me; you become an adult in the eyes of the law, you can drink and smoke, you can watch explicit content online and in cinemas yet you are still a teenager. You are still a teen. EighTEEN never made sense to me and it brought a lot of anxiety, depression, confusion and pain. But with all that I learnt confidence, happiness, clarity and strength. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I know it's so cliche but it's so true. I gave blood for the first time when I was 18 and I'm still a regular donor.
I'm 19 now and it's been a great year. I mean it's had some bumps but it's been an overall good year. I got my first full time job at the cinema and I've been there a year now. I've found a happiness in myself that I used to have when I was 16. I'm happy being 19, I hope 20 brings a happy year too.

To anyone else who shares my birthday, have an awesome day and just to let you know: you are awesome. I'm talking to the Ruth Thompson's, the David Perham's, the Tom Lee Jones', the Tom Hardy's and the Prince Harry's out there. Happy Birthday you guys.

Lauren x

Aint no party like a Cinecrew party.

Last night was my last shift at Cineworld until I come back in December after going on student leave while I move to Cambridge and I had such a good team on with me, I'm so glad I got to spend my last shift with my girls. So as I've now left, tonight is my leaving do and it cannot come soon enough, I'm super excited! A friend from work is having a house party for my leaving and it's gonna be awesome; punch, pie, twister, music, card games, you name it.

I know that by the end of the night I'm going to end up crying because I'm leaving the people who have made this last year so special for me but I wouldn't change it  for the world, I get to spend one last amazing night with them all and I can't wait!

So here's a little message to all you people leaving your loved ones this year to go to university, or move to a job in another part of the country or another country;

Love is like a homing pigeon; you never know if it loves you until you let it go, then all you have to do is wait until it comes back and it will. It will never forget it's way back to you and will always find it's way back home. If you're moving away from a partner then don't worry about it, either you will stay strong and committed or it wont work out and you'll both realise that it's for the better. Do not let anyone make you feel selfish for going after what you want, this is your life and this is your chance to make a difference and put your mark on the world, even if it's just your own little corner of it.

Lauren x

The good pricks.

1. The prick of tears.
So a few nights ago I had my last shift with the manager I feel the most close with at work and he's just an awesome guy. He's so funny and I always look forward to a shift when he's on. I've only known him for a year but in that time he's made me laugh and smile so much I lost count of the times I've said 'oh that guy!'. He's not usually a 'serious talk' guy unless you've been an ass and which you get the proper serious guy. But when he said goodbye to me it was the most sincere I've ever heard him and it made my eyes prick with tears and I just had this warm feeling inside like I found somewhere I was genuinely happy and I was bloody leaving it. I just wanna say thank you to him, in my own kinda way like this, y'know through my blog. Thanks for being such a great guy to me and making me feel welcome. I'm gonna miss ya buddy. It was that prick of tears that I love; the sharpness of pure emotion that really reflects how happiness can be painful. So happy to have someone uber cool in your life that when you leave them to be happy elsewhere it's gonna hurt. Thanks mother nature, you've truly outdone yourself on that one.

2. The prick of your ears.
When someone says your name but it's not you their talking to. When you hear the intro to your favourite song. When you hear a noise in the middle of the night and you become super sensitive to sound. When you hear something that you're damn sure you weren't supposed to hear. For me, the things that prick my ears up the most is the sound of a bell on a cat's collar, when someone mentions Harry Potter, when someone says the names Lauren, Jo, Pat, Claire, Lewis, Cameron or Peggy, the into to any of the songs on my top 25 most played on iTunes and the beginnings of irish and country music songs.


Out of every negative there comes a positive and in a life and world full of so much pessimism and negativity, you cannot get by without seeing the light.


Lauren x

When life gives you lemons...

make lemon drizzle cake. Or lemonade.

Life hands us a hand of cards. You're playing rummy with two others and going for four aces and eight, nine ten of hearts. You have the hearts, three aces and a seven of spades. Now the person who wins the game puts down the last ace that you would have needed to succeed and wins with three jacks and jack, queen king of diamonds. So in you're mind, you're pretty annoyed seeing as they had the one important card to you and they didn't even need it. But think of the other player, the third player. They may have been going for a run of two, three, four, five, six, seven and eight of spades and they had from two til seven and a three of clubs. You had the card they would have needed for an amazing win and you didn't even need that card either, just like the winner and your ace.

Remind yourself of the other people around you when you feel like you're falling apart. You may have something they need desperately just as you need something someone else has and there's no straight way to figure it out. The person after you at the table may lay a card you need and you know you have missed out because no matter what, the person to your right can either use it or lose it but either way you'll never get it, not until the deck is turned over and you begin again.

Take advantage of new starts and become a new player, become who you want to be. Play the hand you want to and adapt your hand adequately to whatever you're dealt and you will always end up being the winner in the end.

Lauren x

Cars. Cuts. Crooked teeth.

Today the car broke down. Not my car, not a neighbour's car. THE car. The family car. The car that's supposed to be taking me to university in a week on Saturday. I'm lost as to what I'm going to do if the car doesn't get fixed before then and to be honest it's struck a fear in my heart about leaving that I'm using all of my might to battle.

Recently I've been waking up with random cuts and bruises. The smallest little touch can cut me and if I'm honest it's really annoying, I've been trying to figure out what it is and I didn't realise until the other night that I'm a really unsettled sleeper. I don't sleep very well and I lash out and talk in my sleep and make weird noises. I would love to have my sleep analysed by some psychology hot shot.

I had crooked teeth from when my adult teeth grew through up until I got braces when I was 15. I was 16 when I got them removed and I got a retainer that was a pain in the ass, or more the mouth. It didn't fit properly and I would have had to pay like £65 to get them remade so I had no retainer and now my teeth have started to go wonky again. I feel so ugly when I notice them but then someone tells me I have a nie smile and I feel better again.

Sometimes it's just the smallest thing that can lift my mood even when it's an even more minute thing that can bring it down.

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Albus Dumbledore