Thinking Out Loud.

It's always tricky being in a situation where your heart goes out to someone who is a loved one of someone else who is suffering. The guilt of feeling emotional because of someone elses suffering can ruin a mind and it's so hard to appreciate the strength it takes to be able to deal with someone elses troubles day-in day-out. My Dad does this.

I'm 21 and I remember being in primary school and my mum 'being a bit poorly'. She wasn't herself and it was a bit of a scary time but i was a kid so I was easily distracted. I remember my mum going into hospital for an operation and not coming out again for along while because she had some troubles with anaesthetics and other medicine that was supposed to help, but her body decided she didn't like it. I was picked up from school everyday and taken to a family friends house while my dad went to see my Mum in hospital. He worked his long days at a factory and still managed to keep a stable life for me and my sister while my mum was away. So, he got me up in the mornings (which was hard), he got me ready for school, took me to school, went to work, came home from work, picked me up from school, took me to a family friends house, went to see my mum, got me from a family friend's house and then took me home and made me dinner and looked after me. I can only imagine how stressful that must have been and that was only the beginning. Everything changed after that.

My Mum, my lovely, amazing Mum, died three times in hospital, but she fought and fought to stay with us. She is now still stunning and beautiful at 54 and still kicking. She suffers from a lot of illnesses and it's so hard to see her go through each of them at different stages and flares. I am so proud of my Mum for being so strong through all of her struggles. I'm also immensely proud of My Dad who has stood by her throughout all the hard years of hospital appointments, flares, episodes, scares, walk-outs and comebacks, rehab and downright tough days. He is my hero. Not many people would have the strength to not only care and love someone as much as My Dad does when my Mum has an episode of depression and anger, when he can't do anything right in her eyes. He is the most strong person I have ever ever met. He doesn't even realise that what he does for my Mum is amazing, he just does it without question because he loves her unconditionally. He takes time off work, he stays up with her, he does what he can when he can to make life a bit easier for her. I can't fully describe the things he does because a lot of it is little things that mean the most, like going and doing the shopping by himself so my mum can rest at home, even though he hates going shopping, or making her little things to brighten her day.

Ed Sheeran has a new album called 'X' and on it there's a song called 'Thinking Out Loud'. My dad heard it on the radio about halfway through from a chorus, which goes:

'So honey now, take me into your loving arms, kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, place your head on my beating heart, I'm thinking out loud, and maybe we found love right where we are'

Basically he thought 'I need to show this song to Jo, she's gonna love this'. They have a special relationship and evergreen friendship that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. They're best friends and partners and they share everything with each other. So when my Dad came home from work that day and looked up the song (after consulting me about the song because he couldn't remember the name) he played it to my Mum, shivers went up his spine. My mum's legs don't work like they used to before and she is super tender to movement. The first line of the song is:

'When your legs don't work like they used to before, and I can't sweep you off of your feet'

How chillingly beautiful is that? It's like the song as I've listened to it is a perfect representation of my Mum and Dad and it makes me cry a bit because of how perfect  couple they are. When my Mum and Dad first got together everyone doubted them and said things like 'oh yeah that'll never last'. Next year will be 25 years married and they're still going strong. They've been my rocks, my anchors, my gateway to a spectacular life. Take a look at the lyrics to this song, listen to it and think about how precious it is. 

24 Years.

Things I remember from my 21 years that my parents helped me through:
- having nightmares and climbing into their bed, meaning one of them having to get out of bed as I liked to spread out like a starfish when I slept
- climbing out of my second story bedroom window and falling head first onto the concrete garden floor; they made me laugh and smile when I had to go to hospital
- getting stuck up the tree out the front of our house and having to be helped down
- doing school plays and always having someone there to watch me
- being bullied, being taught that it will get better and to stand up to people
- going to upper school was terrifying, but my parents were really supportive and there in a heartbeat if I needed them
- being sexually harassed and assaulted, having to go to court for it, being supported every single step of the way by my mum and dad
- having depression and anxiety, having understanding parents through this is essential and so so SO helpful, there's nothing worse than not knowing what's wrong with you and having people constantly asking what's wrong; mum and dad just listened and gave well-needed hugs and hair strokes
- having someone really close who had cancer, having parents who not only did what they could to help out that person but understanding that it was really hard to go through for me and that's not something a lot of people think about when someone else is really ill
- doing talent shows and plays in school and having someone there every time to support me
- GCSE's and A-Levels...TOUGH AS CRAP TIME FOR PEOPLE. Mum and Dad were there for me when I stressed about losing work, about exam pressure and university choices
- University - open days, interviews, accommodation, savings, student accounts, moving, support when I moved away, visiting me, buying me food, making sure I was comfortable, everything. Every aspect they could help with they have.

My parents are my role models.
My mum had a hard upbringing, being the oldest of five kids with an Irish alcoholic father and a harsh, strict, Irish mother needless to say she grew up tough as nails, She gave me a life so different from hers and she gave me everything she could, when she could. She taught me that nature was important and that it's okay to have time to yourself, it's amazing to read books and we are are souls and spirits living in the same world so to be kind to others, I have so much to thank my Mum for, i can't begin to list the countless memories I have with her. One of my favourite memories with my mum isn't even a big event, it's just sitting on the sofa in our living room, looking at the crystal that used to hang on our old wooden back door and seeing the rainbows shine through it and the way the light coming through the window made the dust look like dairy dust because it was all sparkly and fluttery. We were just hugging on the sofa talking about the big tree at the back of our house and fairies and toadstools. I had a magical childhood and I have a  magical adulthood because of my Mum. I appreciate my life and my able body because I know of the struggle she goes through every day with her illnesses. She got very ill when I was young and we very nearly had to carry on without her, but someone or something sent her back to us every time she died in hospital. She died three times but they knew we needed her and she needed us. She's been a great Mum to me and my sister, and she's been a great Nanny to my nephews. She's been a mum to countless friends and a shoulder to cry on for most who have ever known her. 

My Dad. I don't know what to say to begin with whenever I talk about my Dad. He's so special. He's About 5'6, he has tattoos and a big beard and moustache, he has an ear ring, a shaved head and eyes that smile. If anyone saw him walking in their direction in the dark they'd probably crap themselves because he looks like a scary guy. If I saw him walking in my direction in the dark, I'd feel safer than anywhere else. i don't know if anyone reading this has ever seen the story about the bikers in America that protect children of abuse and make them feel safe, but take that feeling of happiness you got when you read that and that's how I feel about my Dad. He's SO important in my life. He's been a best friend and my rock. He's the youngest of four and he's had to deal with a LOT in his life. He stood with my mum when she was ill and looked after me and my sister, he has an absolute cretin for a brother but he remains strong and unmoved; he cares about the ones who matter most. My Dad is amazing and words can't properly put into context just how much he means to me.

This year is 24 Years of marriage for my Mum and Dad. together they have faced many challenges and overcome them all. they stuck to their marriage vows and they have shown everyone who ever doubted them that they were and are perfect for each other, I hope that one day I have a marriage like theirs.

So I want to raise an internet glass to my wonderful parents: thank you so much for giving me life, for giving me a childhood that set me up properly for adulthood and for being the most supportive and inspiring parents I could have ever wished for. Here's to you, Mum and Dad, and here's to many many (many) more years together. I love you.

Lauren x

Donald Cyril Fidler.

Don't you let anyone make you feel less than you are, you are a smart and beautiful young girl, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

One of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me came from my Grandad when I was about 12 years old.  He's at peace now after passing away earlier this week after suffering from multiple stroke and seizures over the course of a week. He fought for so long to stay with us, but now he can finally sleep peacefully.

His funeral is going to be on Thursday 10th July and the service will be held in Ducklington where he grew up. There are so many people expected to be there as he is well known where he comes from. He was a member of the fire brigade and the boys brigade. He is known by many morris dancers around Oxford and all of the remaining old boys from his wonder years are all anticipated to be there. It's going to be so emotional seeing everyone who has ever been touched by his smile and jokes all coming together to celebrate his life.

He was one of those men that never grew up and that made him special. He always had a twinkle in his eye and jolly red cheeks. As long as I can remember he has always had pure white hair but in his youth his hair was auburn. He always had a story to tell, a poem to recite, a joke to make you laugh. He will be sorely missed by anyone who got to know him. He will be especially missed by his family. He leaves behind his wife, four children and many grandchildren and even great-grandchildren.

Now I speak to him, specifically. I know he's not here to read this but, I need to write something somewhere to him to make up for not being able to see him in his last days...

I love you so much Grandad, I'll miss you every day until we meet again, to talk about poetry and tell jokes, up the ladder and over the wall. Thank you for teaching me that poems aren't boring, for making me remember The Ducks Ditty and for being the kind of Grandad that a grandchild wants. Please watch over Nan and keep her safe, she's going to miss you so much, after all she's spent most of her life with you. Say hello to my other Grandad and Aunty Tracy. You're with Wolf and Roly now too, I know you're not alone and out of pain, so just know that I love you so much.

Here's a poem that me and my Grandad used to say whenever we met...

The Ducks Ditty

All along the backwater, 
Through the rushes tall, 
Ducks are a-dabbling, 
Up tails all!

Ducks' tails, drakes' tails, 
Yellow feet a-quiver, 
Yellow bills all out of sight 
Busy in the river!

Slushy green undergrowth 
Where the roach swim-- 
Here we keep our larder, 
Cool and full and dim.

Everyone for what he likes! 
WE like to be 
Heads down, tails up, 
Dabbling free!

High in the blue above 
Swifts whirl and call-- 
WE are down a-dabbling 
Up tails all!

Confession.

Trigger warning: I'll discuss self harm and suicide in this post.

I still get the itch on my wrists like I need to scratch them until they bleed, the difference is that I don't scratch anymore. I don't pretend that my friends dog scratched me by accident anymore. I don't pretend that I cut my foot on the table at the casino anymore. I don't hide an old pair of scissors in my room anymore. I don't sit on a bridge and toy with the idea of letting myself drop off into busy traffic anymore. I don't think I'm the most disgusting person on the planet anymore. But I did.

Sometimes I feel like it's all falling apart and I just want to go to sleep for a long, long time. I went to the doctor and got the 'oh you're young you shouldn't feel like this' look. Yeah dude, I know. I got pills that made me numb and made me lose all concentration. So I stopped taking them. I wanted to kill myself, called a helpline and no one answered and I left a voice mail begging for someone to call me. No one did. I'm not looking for sympathy or to show that helplines are shit. I'm merely spewing out my personal experiences. I want to do this because I want to say to anyone who might be reading this, that it gets better.

I'm now in university at Anglia Ruskin in Cambridge having passed my first year. I'm living in a house with three awesome people. I have an awesome relationship with someone so chilled and laid back that we get on so well and he knows me better than some people who have known me for years. i haven't felt this good in a long time and even though I am going through some really tough times recently having lost my job and my Grandad in the same week, things are on the up.

So please talk to someone, just say that you're feeling shitty and need a hug without questions being asked. Tell someone you're not feeling well. Please, accept the help and support that you may have around you.

Lots of love,

Lauren x

Complete.

You are the sun that breaks the morning's peace,
the bird that wakes my sweetest dream,
the star that shines in the middle of the sky and
mocks me as I sleep.
But the sun lights up my day, 
the bird serenades his love away,
the star takes my dreams and he
brought you to me,
so my day, though it's broken, is 
complete.

Weddings, weddings, weddings.

Two of my friends from uni are getting married and are currently planning their weddings.

One friend is having a marvel themed wedding, but very subtle and beautifully done. It's going to be absolutely awesome and it suits he and her fiance to the tee. Her daughter is one of the coolest kids I know, so it fits really well that she's going to be her maid of honour and she'll be donning a hulk style for her dress.

My other friend is having a slightly more traditional wedding although she wants it to be slightly like the wedding from Big Fish, her favourite film. She wants blue suits and daffodils everywhere. Her fiance has been her best friend for years and that's why I get this awesome feeling of butterflies whenever I think of their wedding; they're marrying their best friends and intend to spend the rest of their lives together, how cute is that? She's also asked me to be a bridesmaid which made me well with tears; I've never been a bridesmaid and now I'll finally get the chance, and I couldn't be more honoured to have my first experience of being a bridesmaid than to be that of one of my best friends. You'll have the best day my love.

I know that I have a really romantic view of marriage and weddings but I think it's because I've been really lucky to grow up in a family that has strong marriages in it. My parents will be married for 24 years this year and my auntie and uncle have been together since they were 16 and are still together now in their 50's. My nan and grandad have been married for over 50 years which is baffling to me, but it's a beautiful thing. Sometimes marriages don't work out and i can respect that, my mum was married before she met my dad and she has now found the one for her. I have the utmost respect for people who live their lives for tomorrow instead of looking over their shoulder for yesterday. My parents do that and I think that's why I've grown up with such a positive outlook on life, no matter how down I may get I always pick myself back up and keep moving forward. I for one can't wait to get married when I'm older, but not just for the wedding (although I already know certain aspects I'd love) but for the marriage itself, to spend my life with one person by my side, one man to love and hold forever and one man to be the father to my children, the rock to support me and the man with who I can build a home and a life with, who I can give my love to and give my heart to. I do get really worried sometimes that I wont find that person but I know that one day I will. Even if I'm 30 when that happens, that's absolutely fine.

So if you're getting married, know someone who is or want to get married then have a lovely time, enjoy every minute, know that the hard times will get better and the good times will be worth the trials and tribulations you face in order to get there. If you don't want to get married then be happy for those who do and do all you can for a friend who is, because their beliefs are as important as your own. Don't let anyone force you into societies order to get married, have kids and have a house and a mortgage. You don't have to live like that, but others want to and both ways of life are absolutely fine.

Merry marriage,

Lauren x

Reclaim. Rejoice.

Tonight was Reclaim the Night in Cambridge, the city that I live for university (no I don't go to Cambridge University before you wonder.) Over 100 women grouped together and met at Reality Checkpoint (a lamppost in the middle of Parker's Piece, a park in Cambridge) and there was a short speech from our very own Sammi (feminist president) and Gabbi (Academic Officer at ARU) along with a woman from CUSU (Cambridge University Student Union) and a trustee from the CRCC (Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre). We then proceeded to march, banners and all, through Cambridge city centre chanting all the way, ranging from '2, 4, 6, 8, stop the violence, stop the hate!' to 'WHATEVER WE WEAR, WHEREVER WE GO, YES MEANS YES AND NO MEANS NO!'. It's such an emotional event for me and so many of the other women who were all there to raise awareness and to Reclaim the Night as their own. there was also a solidarity march for men to group with us once we reached the city centre and this was an awesome moment; there were partners, friends, children, colleagues, classmates all there to support us in our march. We then continued from the City Centre to Kings College Chapel where a vigil was held and it was honestly one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. There was a women's choir, poetry, speeches and we all had a paper tag to hang on a tree with a personal message about the night on. It was perfect and I plan to do everything I can to keep the ARU feminist society going once our pres Sammi leaves (which will be a really sad day).

I know this post isn't written well, isn't grammatically correct and there's punctuation in places there probably shouldn't be or lacking where it should. To be quite honest I'm not even going to change it, too much are we confined to that we have to live within the rules and control of what is 'the norm' and what is 'allowed' by the patriarchy. We need to rise and claim what is ours and make the streets of our hometowns a safer place to be.

Much Love,

Lauren x

Sometimes.

Sometimes I ask too many questions,
sometimes I don't ask enough.
Sometimes I wish I knew more about people and sometimes I wish I knew less.
Sometimes I wish you could know what the whispers of others say, but
sometimes, I wish I could close my ears forever.
Sometimes I get goosebumps from the talent of a young voice and
sometimes I get goosebumps when I think about that night.
Sometimes I think about you and my heart aches,
sometimes my heart aches and then I think of you.
Sometimes I lay in bed and wish to see the stars above me, but
sometimes the stars make me feel tiny, insignificant.
Sometimes I'm alone.
Sometimes I'm alone.
Sometimes you are here, but I am alone.
Sometimes a half,
sometimes a whole.
Sometimes at night and 
sometimes in day, but
always, I feel you with me;
always you are gone;
always you are missing,
always you are found.


(Something I wrote today when I was feeling down.)

Lauren x

I ain't too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes about it.

Sometimes you can experience something really horrible and it stays with you for a little while, it might leave you with a scar, but one that becomes hidden by ageing over time. Some things stay with you forever like a mark that will never go away, under your clothes where no one but you can see. I'm working on the ageing part, but for now, the scars are still there, the things that happened are still in my heart and the pain is as real as yesterday when you are triggered. I won't let these scars stop me from looking in the mirror at my body. one day I will accept them and I can be happier. I'm trying.

Lauren x

Goodbyes.

Goodbyes are something that a lot of people hate, some people can't stand them so they never do them. Some people find goodbyes romantic and dream of that special day where they'll wave off their loved one on a steam train, waving a polka dot hankie and shouting 'I love you' after them. Goodbyes are a funny thing. You're saying goodbye to someone as if it'll be forever when most of the time you know it wont be, it may even be for a few hours or a day. Some people have to say goodbye forever and that's when goodbyes are heart wrenching. To know your last moments with someone have passed forever and you'll never get to redo them, have a second chance. 

In the films and in tv shows they often get to have a big romantic goodbye, or they end up back together or they get to share their last living moments with the people they love. In real life it's not like that. It's like a break up from a relationship that you don't see coming; you never get to go back to their room and just look. Feel their pillow, sit on their bed, feel the floor beneath you. You don't get to go back and fall asleep in that room and open your eyes and see the way the light is coming through the crack in the curtains, bouncing off the mirror and lighting up the room. You don't get to do that. You don't get to go to their family and say goodbye, thanks for having me in your lives for a bit. Goodbyes are sad most of the time.

Goodbyes can be sad but well planned though. Maybe someone is dying and you are with them in their last moments. You get to kiss their skin, brush their cheek, see them smile one last time, say I love you. You get to do that and goodbyes like that are, although extremely painful, a gift. You get a step closer to closure, you get to utter anything you need to before you chance is up. Goodbyes like this are often the ones you see in films and are rare, but rare like winning the lottery the first time you ever play, not rare like dying from swallowing chewing gum once when you were eight. Greater of two goodbyes.

I like to think that I'm good with goodbyes, for others anyway. I rarely cry when in the presence of the person I'm leaving, but once they've left and I know I wont see them again for a long time, then that's when you question the good in goodbye. Goodbye, meaning safe home, good journey, see you soon, good day. But it feels like 'good to see you go'. Take every goodbye as a chance to tell someone you love them, or like their jacket, or that they look lovely. Leave goodbye's knowing you've put the good in it.

Lauren x

Sometimes I think about when I'll spawn miniature versions of myself.

It's kinda hit me recently that in a few years people will start to ask me when I'm gonna have kids and stuff. My friend recently bought a car and she purposely bought a family friendly car because her insurance will last four years and she 'might have a family in that time'. This terrified me. I might have a baby in the next ten years and that's crazy talk. Amazing talk. But, crazy talk. I've been unimaginably broody because of all the talk of babies around me. My amazing friend Amy has a little girl called Carrie and she's such a cool kid, like, if I have a little girl when I eventually get round to spawning miniature me's, then I want my kid to be similar to her. Seeing pictures of Amy with Carrie has made me feel like I really can;t wait for that connection. THEN I heard Beyonce's song for Blue Ivy and did a bit of a cry. I realised just how many of the girls in my year at school have had babies and are living adult lives while I sit in my room in halls wondering what I should have for dinner: pot noodle or chicken noodles. I'm so scared of growing up (growing up meaning in the next ten years) and finding out that I'm infertile. It's one of my biggest fears and I feel so much sympathy for those who can't have children. I'm super close to my mum and I can't wait to have that connection with someone that I made or chose. I'm actually looking forward to being depended on, but for now I'll stick to chicken noodles. I'm 20 now, when I graduate I'll be 23, but then I want to do a PGCE after that so I'll be 24 so I'll be almost halfway through my twenties. Right when people generally start having kids. Bah. Don't get me wrong I'm all for not having kids if you don't want them, your lie your choice you know? But I do want children when I'm older. But that's just it; when I'm older.

Hats off to those of you who have kids young, hats off to you who don't have kids at all, hats off to those of you who who love and cherish your children.

Lauren x

Thoughts are crumbs that fall down your top, get stuck in your bra and are forgotten about until let loose when you get undressed for bed.

A heartfelt happy new year to anyone who reads this.

I'm not a big believer in coincidences, I like to think that fate brings things together for us, and the power behind fate? Nature. It's just nature taking it's course. I read somewhere online (if you know who it was please let me know so I can credit it!) that soul mates are when the earth was created and atoms divide and that atom becomes you, the nearest atom to you is your soul mate. I'm really not doing it justice but i thought it was beautiful. I like to think everyone has a soul mate, but not in the sense that they are a romantic person to you. I think people can find their soul mate in a best friend, a sister or brother and of course in a partner. it's little things like this that I like to think about sometimes when I'm in my room by myself and have thoughts running through my head that I'd like to get rid of.

I ask myself questions like 'where do trains go at night?' or 'do bald people use shampoo' and of course 'who or what decides what way up rolos go in the packet?' The important questions, y'know. I had a thought a minute ago about how I've felt being home from uni for the Christmas break. It's been really odd and I have only felt comfortably at home in my room and I've only found motivation for doing work when in my bedroom. It made me think of Cast Away. When Chuck is rescued from the ocean and brought back to land and civilisation and his wife, he goes to bed but can't sleep on the bed, he sleeps on the floor like he would have done on the island. That's how I feel being home. I've been at uni in my tiny little halls room for the last three months and coming home to a big house and a big bed, I've found myself curling up in bed at night against the wall, feeling stimulated to do work only in my room and nowhere else in the house and I've only felt hungry when I'm in my room which is also really weird. Maybe it's just my body trying to get back to normal. which is a shame because I go back for a week tomorrow to hand in assignments (the joy).

Anyway, i just wanted to share these little thoughts with you. I hope that you can find somewhere that's home. Home is where you leave and people notice your absence. I'm home. Home is also Cambridge. Home was at my work at Northampton Cineworld because people told me all the time when i left that they missed me and it felt different without me there (I'm not trying to big myself up here, it genuinely happened and I did a bit of a cry because of it). But now I can't go back because of lack of job space, apparently. So I miss my CineFamily from Northampton, but I miss my CineFamily from Cambridge now that I'm home. 

Most of all, from Cambridge, I miss my philosophers. My little group of nerds, my favourite people in my Cambridge world. Kayleigh, Ricky, Kristie, Ronan, Ben and Dave. My little group of amazing people. Kayleigh is one of the coolest people I've ever met; she works at Game, plays all kinds of cool games (incl. LoL, WoW, Warhammer, knack etc...) and loves Adventure Time and has super long brown hair and is super pretty and funny and caring and lovely and I love her. How do I explain Ricky/ Ricky is like a mix between the big brother I've always wanted and the person you want your daughter to bring home (if you want kids/have a daughter). He's witty, hilarious, charming, interesting and just such a lovely guy. Kristie is awesome. She's such a chatterbox and i love being around her because she's always so happy and bubbly and she's hilarious when she's angry. We have the same pet peeves and we joke about them together to ease the anger we have for it, which is nice (and can be super comical over a few cocktails). Ronan is one of the most interesting people I know. I feel like I don't know enough about him and I want to know everything. He's a teacher in Cambridge and he teaches English to French students which I think is amazing. He's our go-to guy for ale/beer advice and he's like a sponge of knowledge. It's like every subject we talk about he has something really interesting and insightful to say about it and I always feel like my IQ has gone up every time I'm with him. I haven't really spent too much time with Ben because he only does Philosophy whereas me and the others (excl. Dave) all do English Literature as well. But the times I've spent with Ben are always funny. He's got a proper strong accent and comes out with the funniest things in mid-conversation that make my belly hurt sometimes with laughter. He's a sound guy and nice as pie, a really good laugh and I wish he spent more time with us. Last but not least is Dave, also known as Dentistry Dave and Diogenes Dave. We wont get into that. Dave's really smart and speaks his mind when he disagrees with something or thinks something needs to be said and I really respect him for that. He's fun to be around because he's such an oddball, but in a really good way. He adds character to our group (as if we needed any more?!) but he's like the cherry on top. Our debates in the pub over cocktails/beer/burgers are always heated but they're always mentally stimulating and funny and interesting. Dave's the kind of guy you can be friends with for your whole life because he's such an interesting person.

I just thought I'd let you all know. I haven't done much justice to the description of my nearest and dearest from Cambridge but if you met them I'm sure you'd feel the same way.

I hope that for all of you who believe that the new year is a new start, that you get what you want and hope for out of 2014 but remembers, it's what you put in that equals what comes out. 

Lauren x