Ever feel like you belong somewhere else?

 I feel like I belong near the coast. These photographs have given me such happiness since August when I was on holiday.
This is at Beer. The walk down to the beach was a really steep hill that was difficult to climb back up but it was worth it once we got down. The cliffs covered in green growth and the multi-coloured pastel beach shacks were so picturesque. I loved this little beach, stony as it was. The walk down included little streams from the village at the top of the hill right down to the sea that were accompanied by planters full of beautiful flowers.

I miss the beach. I miss the smell of the salt air. I miss the sand in the bottom of your handbag. I miss the way the sea leaves my hair leaving so healthy and lovely. I miss collecting seashells. I miss not being able to set up a deck chair properly. I miss catching tiny crabs, shrimps and fish in rock pools. I miss the sound of the waves making their sleepy way to shore and then pulling themselves back out again as if they can't make their mind up about the dryness of the earth.
I understand that feeling.

I love flowers.

When I was little I would go and stay at my Nan's bungalow and if it was a sunny day we'd sit in the garden and she would always have a lovely arrange of flowers from roses to clematis to jasmine. Being brought up to respect and love nature it's only natural for me to have a love for flowers and gardens. Here's a little list and some pictures of my favourite flowers. Enjoy :)

Blue Moon Rose - they’re really rare and we used to have one that flowered only once a year, and every year my dad would prune it and bring it to my mum in a glass of water when it was at it’s most beautiful.

Tulip - especially mixed coloured ones and the black ones. The black ones aren't perfectly black but they're such a deep purple that it looks black and I think they're absolutely beautiful.

Lavender - again, smell great and are beautiful to contrast a garden or bouquet

Freesia - they smell so nice!

Snowdrop - so nice to spot out walking.

Bluebell - I love how cute and beautifully they carpet forest floors

Iris - cute blue and white ones, I got these in my first ever bouquet of flowers and have fallen in love with them since.


Lauren x

I drink tea a lot.

When I wake up. When I have crumpets. When I’m reading a book. When I’m watching television. When I’m listening to music. When I’m getting ready for work. When I leave for work and I have to gulp down my cup because I forgot I had to actually leave my house to get to work. When I get to work. Before my shift starts. On my break. When I finish work. When I get home. When I have my dinner. When I watch a film on Netflix. When I’m about to go to bed. When I’m with my Mum. When I’m with my Nan. When I’m with Tish. When I’m with Louise. Whenever I feel like it.

When is your favourite time to drink tea? Or like me, do you drink it whenever you like and love it all the same? i think tea is my favourite drink ever. I love tea. The key to my heart is tea, so now you know feel free to try and make me fall in love with you by sending me lots of Twining's English Breakfast and Chai.

Lauren x

Mitch.

Mitch was a man that once drove an old VW Beetle with wooden doors and roll down windows. He had crazy grey hair and glasses that made his eyes look really big. He was always a tall man to me, not only because I knew him since I was very young and everyone is big when you’re little, but because he was very intelligent. He used to give talks at universities and he knew so much about anything you sprung on him and he travelled the world and could amaze you with facts about plants. He said “man" a lot and just felt like an uncle to me.

When I found out that Mitch has passed away, I didn't know how to react. He was ill for a while but I guess we just saw him as one of those people who get ill but recover and start again. I guess this time it just got too much. We don’t know how he died or where he was, but I’m in shock because he was such a fighter with a passion for life.

I see him everywhere. I know it sounds strange but I see him in people all the time. His laugh, his enthusiasm, his constant buzz. He made his mark on the world by bringing so much happiness into my family's lives.

I miss him a lot, and he’s certainly missed in the Fidler household.

RIP Mitch.
I hope you're keepin' it real, man.

Lauren x

Time.

Some days aren't meant to last. They end so we can fully appreciate time in all it’s harshness. The best days go the quickest, the worst however, seem to last a lifetime. There’s something about days that are confusing yet beautiful. Some days feel like a few hours, other feel like a week, yet they all start at exactly the same time, and end at exactly the same time. Every day. Every night. So why do the good days fly by? They say time flies when you’re having fun but is it that we’re so caught up in the moment that in that moment what feels like two minutes is two hours? Time is unimaginable  I find it hard to think of time. You never think of the time it takes to cook something, or to travel somewhere. You know how long it may take but you don't actually think of the time, do you  It’s always the start and finish you think of. Time is endless, time is gone, time is yet to come. Is time even present? It’s constantly changing so can we really claim that we are in ‘the present’? I don’t believe so, the end of this post will be written in the future, not the present, I’m writing this post right now but the start is the past. That sentence is the past. Everything is past or future. We are on a constant journey through time and we are magnificent creatures. Some days aren't meant to last, some days are meant to end, so we can fully appreciate time in all it’s magnificence.

Do you ever...?

Get in the bath, go under the water and suddenly feel at peace with the world? Then you come crashing back up for air and everything goes back to the way it was. I wish I felt like I was underwater all the time. Someone told me once that apparently the feeling of drowning, not the panic of it and trying to get up to air, but actually letting go and just drowning, is a really euphoric feeling. I can kind of understand that. I constantly feel like I’m in that panic stage; gasping for air trying to escape. Then I hear a certain song, I see a certain person, I smell a certain smell and I’m right back under the water in my bath tub, at peace with the world.

Lauren x

My Name Is Khan.

One of the only films that I cry from start to finish at. It’s based around the time of the 9/11 attacks and it's the story of Rizvan Khan; a Muslim man with Asperger's Syndrome who’s step son is murdered purely because of the colour of his skin. He was a Hindu and the white kids accused him of being a Muslim terrorist and they beat him senseless until he died. Mandira, Rizvan’s wife, vents her anger and tells him to leave her sight, which he replies with “when should I come back Mandira?" to which she replies, “go to the president of the United States of America, and you tell him my ‘Name Is Khan and I am NOT a terrorist’". And he does. Even though around 90% of this film isn’t in English and has subtitles, it’s one of the most moving films I have ever watched, and I strongly recommend it to anyone.

'What' and 'if'; two non-threatening words alone...

But put them together side-by-side
and they have the power to haunt
you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’…

I don’t know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it’s never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn’t it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart…

I don’t know what a love like that
feels like… a love to leave loved
ones for, a love to cross oceans
for… but I’d like to believe if I
ever felt it, I’d have the courage
to seize it. I hope you had the
courage to seize it. And if
you didn’t, I hope one day that you
will.

Lauren x

There's seems to be this misconception that 'girls ignore good guys'

...and that girls go out with dickheads, whilst realising they’re dickheads. Right. A girl doesn’t meet a guy, find him an absolute derp and think fuxk it I’ll give it a go! A lot of the time, guys, when a girl goes out with a guy and he turns out to be an asshole, chances are YOU would have liked him before that changing point too. Girls do not intentionally seek out twats to get themselves purposely hurt. So before you just keep going on about girls “always picking the dickheads and ignore the good guys" maybe you should look in the mirror. All those guys who turned out bad, or maybe not all but the majority, were good at the start, and turned out to be assholes, YOU have the potential to turn out as one of those dicks so why don’t you stop moaning about how you’re single due to girls picking the bad guys over you, because there’s probably a reason for your lack of relationship and your moaning isn’t helping, it makes you look desperate.

Gonna post a few things I have saved on my laptop.

Hope y'all don't mind.

Just to butter you up a bit, here's another cat picture. (I think I'm getting the hang of this blog mellark)

Lauren x

Why do we hide our faces when we cry?

When all we want is for someone to wipe away our tears, hold us in their arms and tell us everything will be okay, if not now, then in the end. As soon as I feel those tears welling up, I immediately put my hands to my face to hide them falling, even when I’m alone. Putting my sight in the dark, like a child hides behind their hands thinking if they can't see you; you can’t see them. Crying is the most natural thing to do, if i didn't cry, I’d shout, scream, hit stuff, say nasty things to the ones I love the most. Crying is like cleansing. I always feel a bit better after I've cried, like a little piece of hurt has been washed away with those tiny salty waves. Embrace your tears, let others see you’re hurting, because if you don’t then who is going to know you are, then when you need them the most, who will know? Cry, but always smile after. Always smile, because you never know who is falling in love with it every time you do.

Dear Santa - from 2011.

I know this is a long-shot, but here are a few things I’d love for Christmas, not just this year but for years to come.

1) Please keep My Mum able and healthy enough to be able to play with my children in the future, and please ease her pain, she’s in agony every day but she still stands as the matriarch in the family, she keeps everyone together and strong and needs your help this Christmas to get her through those tough days.

2) Please make My Dad realise that his weight is going to get the better of him, please make him realise he needs to become healthier, because I want My Dad to be able to give me away at my wedding in the future. He’s under so much pressure from all corners of my family; my Mum, me, my Sister and my Nan. We’re always asking him for things and the pressure it puts on his health is going to harm him so badly, and i don’t want to bury my dad before i have children or get married.

3) Please make sure that My Boys, My Angels, My Nephews, have a really happy Christmas. This will be their first year without their Dad with them on Christmas Day and i know My Big Boy will be sad for a few moments because he does miss his Dad. So in those moments just make him remember the happy times and bring him the best day, and make him forget the sadness of it all. For My Little Boy, please keep him happy and make sure he has such a lovely Christmas, he doesn’t know yet how much has happened, and I don’t think he ever will, but please make sure that when he does realise, it’s not a sad moment, and he has to know he has to be strong for his mum and his brother, and i know he will be because he has such a loving heart. So please keep My Boys happy over the next Christmases to come.

4) Please keep my Nan alive. She’s given us so many scares over the last few years and seems so strong in herself at times, but in others she seems so weak. My Nan means the world to me, so please if you could for just a couple of days over Christmas, take her pain away and let her have a wonderful Christmas with her family without having to worry about her knee, or shoulder, or chest, or back, or fingers etc… My Nan may seem like a Scrooge, but she has such a spirit in her that’s always been apparent to me, and i love her so much.

5) This is a big one, and i know it may be way beyond your giving, but hey, it’s Christmas and anything can happen right? So, Lastly for today, or even this year perhaps, PLEASE keep My Boy healthy. Keep away his pains and the nasty illness that tore him apart this year. He is the most incredible person i have ever met. He’s always there for people when he is in need way more than them and he will sacrifice anything to help one of his friends who need him, or to help me. He’s been My Rock for two years and he never fails to make me smile or pick me up when I’m down. I could never say enough good things about him for people to really know just how amazing he is. It’s in those quiet moments with him, just in eachothers arms, and nothing had to be said between us for us to have a great time, that really shows how much i love him, and how happy we can be. He’s perfect to me, and he deserves to have a full and healthy life without the restrictions of an illness. So please, over Christmas and New Year, keep him healthy and free from pain. Last year was the start of a horrible year for him, so this year bring him happiness, joy, amazing presents, laughter, and NO pain. And also, let him know everyday that he is so loved by me, and by so many people.

Merry Christmas, have a good rest after the busiest time of the year for you. Thank you for all the happiness you bring to the world, in figure and in spirit.

Love Lauren. xx

I don't know the first thing about running a proper blog.

I'm not great with technology and I never have been into all the techy stuff that goes with social networking. I always had someone else design my 'layout' on myspace (with the <b/r> or whatever it was). But I'll give this a go. If (and most definitely if) I get any actual followers or anyone interested in whatever rubbish I write on here, I'll make a solid attempt at writing as much as I can.
In the meantime, enjoy this picture of my cat Charlie. (I figure cats on blogs are always a good start.)

Lauren x