I'm walkin' down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinkin' 'bout is you.

4 weeks. One month. That's how long I've been away from home. For the first time in my life I've been living in a completely new city, with a bunch of strangers and no family to go to for a hug. I've met some really lovely people in the two weeks that I've been here and honestly, I'm so relieved. I thought that when I came here I'd end up being that loner that never went out, never made friends and just went along to lectures and seminars and did nothing else. I come across as really confident but I'm actually so stupidly shy and anxious about anything social that I was worried I'd just not hack it but the people I've met have been so open and welcoming and I'm so thankful for them. The fourth floor kitchen group, Charlie, Jess, Jake, Hamza, my Philosophy and English group and my new work friends (work frieeeend, friend!); you're all absolute babes.

University life is pretty much exactly how I expected it to be, but with a year of contemplating and waiting for it to come around I guess that was gonna happen anyway. Now that I'm here it feels like home. My little room feels cosy with all my blankets, cushions and photographs. My kitchen is pants but hey, I wasn't expecting miracles. It's been hard to not be able to go to my Mum for a cuddle when I'm feeling down, especially when I have a particularly bad dep. day. Depression is bullshit and it pisses me off that I can just feel down for what feels like no reason? I'm getting there. I've found solace in a friend from down the hall; we spent around 2 hours sliding my ID card across the kitchen table then laying on the chairs and talking crap. But it was so nice to have that alone time with someone nice, you know? (We also spent around 2 hours pinging one of those plastic pizza table things across the kitchen table the other day too, we're mature people, honestly). Also, Charlie from 3rd floor is pretty cool, but don't tell him I said that. We have this love/hate thing where we know we hate each other and we love it. He's an arsehole. I'm a vagina*. We were made to be friends ahahah! (friend, halls friend).

*only in a failed Russian accent

It's strange not being able to sing my heart out in my room or in the shower. Not being able to just burst into song wherever I am at 'home'. I've kinda had a couple nights where I've ended up singing, but not loudly (I hope). I've spoken to my mum everyday I've been here and she told me that the thing she misses most about me being at home is my singing, she said that home is really quiet and she keeps thinking I'm gonna start playing music from my room or start singing in the shower. I've got a relatively quiet corridor that I live down in halls so I guess I don't feel so bad about making some noise because I think everyone's probably feeling the same way about making noise; they all want to but are a bit wary of it.

Sometimes I feel really lonely. I feel so alone and so scared that I just burst into tears, luckily I'm always in my room and it's always at night that I feel this way but it happens nevertheless and it's horrible. i guess this is where I link this back to the title of the post. 'I'm walkin' down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinkin' 'bout is you.' is lyrics from a song by Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves and it's beautiful. Listen to it here. The other night was nice because I had a shift at work (oh I got the supervisor job, yay!) and then Jake was bored as was I so we went down to my kitchen for a bit(hours...) and just chilled. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I've spent a lot of time with Charlie the last week or so, it's been nice to be able to have someone to chill with...(his love for Disney movies helps, too).

I miss things from home and it's strange what they are. I miss getting on the bus. I miss Abington park. I miss familiarity of being able to say "oh remember when we were there...". I know that in time I'll have that here in Cambridge but for now everywhere's new and I just want to explore. I miss my cats. I miss baths. I miss the people from work. I miss the little flowers that grow on the field next to my house. I miss seeing people I know and being able to say hello how's your mother.

I just want it to be freezing cold and I want it to be leafy everywhere and orangey-brown and misty and autumny. I want to have to wear a hat and scarf and I want to have to wear a coat and boots. I can't wait to see Cambridge in all it's wintery glamour. I feel so happy when it's autumn and I just need that now, I need Autumn to happen. Bring on winter, I'm so ready for you.

Yours waiting and writing daily, even if it's not shown,

Lauren x