Peggy.

Your eyes were the most beautiful shade of blue and they lit up when you smiled. Your skin was a beautiful maze for my eyes to try and escape but they always came back, especially towards the end. Your hair was a soft mixture of grey and boxdye brown. You were so incredibly beautiful. Your paper thin skin, your long fingers and strong nails. Your scars. Your constant bruises. Your laugh was like music. Your Irish laugh and humour. You were so full of love. You had a sense of humour that you kept right until the end. But in the end, you were too tired to carry on after not getting the help you needed. I'm still so angry that you're gone and I can't quite understand that you aren't there anymore.You were the head of the family and now everything feels disorganised, broken. You were so important. You are so incredibly missed. I just want to smell you, hear you laugh, see you tap your feet on the ground and your fingers on your mug. I want to make you a cup of tea. On my to-do list was to take you out for dinner, just me and you. I had no idea I would never get the chance again when I wrote that on the 1st of January.

You were poorly and in hospital since February and then you died in that hospital two months later. You were failed by the doctors looking after you and I'm so sorry. I wish I could have done more. But this isn't about me. It's about you. You got ill with shingles, then with a chest infection and UTI, then ecoli, then you just got so poorly from then and they said you had brain damage. Mum and Dad came to Cambridge to tell me. We were hopeful for the best and assumed you'd get better and we'd just have to take care of you a lot more closely now. But you didn't come out of hospital and they called us there on a day when you weren't well. They said you weren't looking great and we should get there as soon as we could. You didn't have long. So Louise came to get me from Cambridge and we got there too late. By the time I got there you were cold. But you looked like you were asleep. Your hair was messy and your skin felt soft and you looked so peaceful. I held your hand Nan and I kissed your head goodbye and I cried my heart to the ceiling caved in and I couldn't feel anything. You were wearing a nighty. We picked a new nighty for you to wear until we got your suit to you, the one you wore to Uncle Kieran's wedding. You looked so beautiful in that suit. Thank you so much for being so prepared, it would have been a lot harder if you hadn't been.

When I got to the hospital, Louise went to the toilet so I came into the corridor alone. I saw you all there and it wasn't until Claire took me in her hands and said 'they tried really hard' that it hit me. You couldn't be dead because I needed to tell you I loved you one more time. I needed to kiss you once more but instead you died alone in the hospital you hated so much and I hate it. I should have come home that Friday but instead everyone told me to stay in Cambridge to celebrate my housemate's birthday. It could have been the last time I saw you alive and instead I went out with friends while they all got drunk and I stayed sober and slept on a hotel floor. I feel so guilty every time I think about it and I hate myself for not going to see you when my gut was telling me to.

It was a glorious sunny day. You were laid to rest in a spot that gets so much sun Nan. There's a bench just opposite of you and there's a big conker tree on the corner. I wore black and green. I even bought new shoes and you know that's not really like me at all. You would have been so proud to see us all there together. Aunty Ann and Mum had a moment. We put shamrock down with you and remembered you in bright gorgeous flowers. Chrysanthemums, of course. It will be three months this 17th that you've been gone and I still can't believe it. It's not real.

I love you Nanny, this is all I can write for you. I'll write to you when I need to and when I feel you near me.

Goodnight and God Bless xxxx